My pregnancy was normal, other than two high blood pressure readings that my OB and I just chalked up to being a fluke as they stayed low through delivery. Delivery wasn't what I expected, and I didn't go into it with set expectations either. My epidural worked up until it was time to push and by the time my daughter Sienna was on her way out I could feel everything. I was told my sacrum (a joint near your tailbone) was so prominent that it was keeping her head from coming out, and after hours of pushing and tears and screaming and wanting to give up, they decided to use a vaccum. When she arrived, there was no sense of relief. I was still shaking from the pain, it felt like I was going into shock. They took Sienna right away, the cord was wrapped around her neck. Once they got her to cry and open her lungs they gave her to me, and I was so happy but still the pain was front and center. They say that you won't even notice when the doctor is giving you stitches for your tear, well I did.

I wasn't able to walk or get up and down for the first day because of my tear and my fractured tailbone. It made trying to take care of and feed my baby girl pretty difficult, my husband was an angel and did all of the diaper changes, the swaddles, the tucking in, all I could do was lay there and feed her. We were discharged after a few days, and being at home without the help of the nurses was a whole new challenge. It took. so. long. for me to do anything, even sitting up in bed and lifting her out of her bassinet was a challenge. I wondered why no one ever talks about this. I wondered why others seemed to be okay after delivery and just bounce back. I wondered if other people experienced this level of pain, if I was normal. I kept jumping awake in the middle of the night, I almost hit my husband when he tried waking me up to feed Sienna. I thought I had PTSD. I was scared I wasn't going to feel better.

Our 2nd night home from the hospital I heard a whooshing heartbeat sound in my ear while leaning over to pick up Sienna. Nurses triage line told me to check my blood pressure, and if it was above 160 or 90 to go to the hospital. We had a high reading, so hospital we went. After more blood pressure checks and labs and other tests, we were discharged, only to end up back in the hospital the next day with more high blood pressure readings, this time with a headache too. We were almost discharged for a second time until my daughter's pediatrician got on the phone and fought tooth and nail with the ER docs to keep us there. After the right labs were ordered, post partum preeclampsia was diagnosed and we earned our ticket to a 24 hour magnesium drip. It was hell. I felt so sick. I couldn't tell what symptoms were from the hormones, the preeclampsia, the magnesium, or just trauma. I felt unable to care for my daughter, I was scared of dropping her, falling asleep feeding her, etc. My heart was heavy for my husband, even though he didn't show it he had the weight of the world on him, caring for both of his girls and trying to just keep it together himself. The magnesium got my blood pressure under control, and we were discharged.

After being home for a day or two, I started to feel lightheaded, headachey, on edge, anxiety, shortness of breath, and my blood pressure had spiked again. We earned another ticket for a 24 hour magnesium drip. This time on the magnesium seemed more promising, my blood pressure was lower than ever. My side effects weren't as bad, I felt a lot more capable. We were monitored for 24 hours afterward to be sure, and my blood pressure slowly creeped back up. I'm "special" they tell me, "Normally the magnesium takes care of it, in the rare cases it does not we use blood pressure medication." Our ride home from the hospital the 4th time, the 3 of us sat in silence. It felt like we went through the fire, and we did get burned, but it gave us a new perspective on life, and it gave us our sweet baby girl.<3