When my children’s dad Trip and I got married, we immediately started trying to get pregnant. I never believed it would be difficult. But after having miscarriage after miscarriage, our minds became numb. It seemed like all our friends were getting pregnant, but we couldn’t.

After all the miscarriages, infertility treatments, and lots of heartbreak, we finally got pregnant through IVF. I had always wanted a little girl. Being pregnant with a boy AND girl twins was the happiest time of my life. I felt like we had won the lottery. That God was rewarding us for all our difficult times trying to conceive.

We decorated the nursery green and pink. One side was for her and the other was for Sam. I remember all the shots my husband had to give me and how painful they were. 

One day I wanted to go Christmas shopping, so I drove to the local mall. When I got out of my car, I was so sore with a severe pain in my right side that I couldn’t walk, so I got back into my car and went home.

I was seeing a high risk doctor and my regular Ob and my pregnancy had been perfect until that sharp pain. My husband rushed me to the hospital, where I was diagnosed almost immediately with HELLP syndrome. They said it was odd because I skipped pre-eclampsia and eclampsia and had gone straight into HELLP. They were able to give me one steroid shot for the babies' lungs before they rushed me away for an emergency c-section because they were afraid I wouldn’t survive.

The NICU journey was tough. My ex husband and I were there every day, all day. They were so tiny when they were born. Sam weighed 1 lb. 13 oz. Allison weighed a little more. It all happened so fast, it felt like a nightmare. But once they were born, all we could do was keep the faith and pray. When Allison started developing NEC, they operated on her. I remember sitting in the waiting room with my family all night just crying and praying. The doctor came in drenched with sweat and said he thought he had cut out enough of her intestines to get rid of the infection. The relief that washed over all of us was clear in our faces. Then I went to see my babies the next day, and she was so bloated. The NEC was back. Her incubator was beside Sam’s.

They did everything they could do keep her alive while my ex husband and I watched, just praying and crying. Allison passed after 11 days. After she passed, I didn’t want to get out of bed. My ex husband was very strong and told me we had another baby still fighting for his life, so we needed to go.

The NICU moved Sam to another room so we wouldn’t have to go back into the room where Allison drew her last breath. I felt numb walking back in the next day. Every day, I would close my eyes and walk past that room to go love on my Sam.

Sam stayed in the NICU for three months. 

Sam has had an individualized family service plan (IFSP) since birth. He had occupational and physical therapy services. He needed to wear a helmet to reshape his skull. He was diagnosed with developmental delay and speech at a young age. Then as he aged out he was diagnosed with ADHD, sensory integration disorder, speech and fine motor delays, and a learning disability in Math. When he was in fifth grade he started telling me his feet hurt. We took him to a doctor to do a full body x-ray and blood tests to try to determine what was going on. The x-ray showed that his upper spine wasn’t fused together properly. This was because of his preterm birth. After many months and many tests they diagnosed him with juvenile arthritis. He was prescribed a shot of methotrexate once a week. I couldn’t give him the shot, so his dad and I would drive him to my brother’s once a week. My brother is a nurse. Poor Sam would throw up before even getting the shot. He has always been hyper-sensitive to pain. We have since switched his medicine to a pill that we crush up and put in applesauce. He has accommodations in his IEP. When he was going to school, he was allowed use of the elevator, have 10 minutes extra in between classes so he wouldn’t be in the hall with a lot of kids, and adaptive P.E. I have kept him home since the coronavirus started because of his weakened immune system. When he started sixth grade, he was being bullied on his school bus. He said they were making fun of him because of the way he walked and talked. This broke my heart for many reasons. I stayed home with him for two years after his birth to keep him well and safe. To see him cry because kids were picking on me was terrible. It brought back all the memories of my brother being picked on. I took him off the bus and drove him to and from school.

After she passed, I couldn’t even go into the room. My family took all the girl things away and redecorated before I got home from the hospital. Sam didn’t know he had a twin until a couple months ago. We finally thought he was old enough to understand. He had a lot of questions, but he took it well.

Immediately after bringing Sam home from the hospital, I began to look into adoption. After losing Allison, I refused to give up on having a daughter. After two years, we brought our beautiful daughter home from South Korea. She was nine months old. The joy I felt in finally holding my baby girl was enormous.Sam and Emily shared a very close bond when they were younger. They are still close, but with him being thirteen and her ten, they have gotten into the typical brother sister relationship. Their bond is closer than most siblings. Emily understands Sam and helps him when ever possible. She a go-getter that teaches herself so much. I remember her saying used to be “I’ll do it my way”! And she always has. Both Sam and Emily are very empathetic to others. I always tell them it’s more important to be beautiful on the inside.

I have always tried to be a positive person and be thankful for what we have. Always believe in miracles is my belief. We said we lost Allison, but we were lucky enough to bring Sam home. Some families aren’t that lucky. My heart felt for those that were there that lost their only child or both.

After staying home with Sam for two years, I needed to go back to teaching to help pay our bills. We were very scared to put him in the hands of strangers. He had a lot of sensory challenges. The first daycare we put him in told me to call every day at lunch to check in. Each day they said he cried all day. He had severe separation anxiety. I had to stop calling because it upset me too much and It was very difficult to teach. We switched daycares, but that didn’t work either. They said he was too much to handle because of his sensory and behavioral needs. We finally got him in the preschool class in the school system where I taught.

I wrote a book - the words for the book just flowed out of me one stressful day when I was so scared to leave him. They stayed on a legal pad for 10 years. I think I made it into a book when I did because this was when Sam was having another tough time with his arthritis and kids picking on him. I wanted him to be proud of his book and see how wonderful he truly is.

The kids are blessed with a wonderful father who loves them tremendously. We have a great relationship as friends, and always work together for our kids benefit. Sam loves going to the beach. He likes to fish and swim at our local pool in the summer. He’s big time into video games like Roblox. Sam is a huge history fan. He enjoys golf. We like to go to the park when it is warm and play in the river.