1 Year and I'm OK, I think

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
shierman
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Re : 1 Year and I'm OK, I think

Postby shierman » Mon Jun 01, 2009 09:00 am

Eventually, we'll all strike that balance between OK and not OK and figure out how to live in between the lines. I finally came to the realization that I'll never understand the how and the why behind my loss, but that I know that it should have some purpose. I hope that you will come to that place, too.

Having just gone through Gabriel's angel date and the drama and anxiety I felt in the days leading up to it, I know how horrible it feels to relive everything again. I, too, was *****y at work, broke down at the drop of a hat, and gave up on mascara. It helped me to throw my energy into planning an activity for DH and I for Gabriel's angel day- something that we could do years to come and include our other children in. And, for the record, I survived that day.

There's no easy way through this. You know it, I know it, and every woman on this board knows it. All you can do is let yourself live through the process and work through your grief the best way you know how. Be gentle with yourself as you go through this- it's OK to break down in the ugly, drooly cries and it really is OK to petition God for mercy. It's also normal to be conflicted about being pregnant again and scared that you'll get sick. This time, however, I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you have better care, know what you're looking for, and have supportive friends in these forums.

In the meantime, know that I am thinking and praying for you as you go through all of those 1st year milestones.

annes
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Re : 1 Year and I'm OK, I think

Postby annes » Mon Jun 01, 2009 07:57 am

HUGS. Take care of yourself, those anniversaries are difficult. Thinking of you and your family.

brianned5
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Re : 1 Year and I'm OK, I think

Postby brianned5 » Mon Jun 01, 2009 07:45 am

Yeah Katie, I know what you mean. I've been having some bad days myself. I think it's probably just being okay with not being okay. I know in the NICU I told God to please just let Kylie live, all I wanted was her and I'd never ask for another baby again. She was all I wanted, and while I wouldn't trade this baby's life to get Kylie back, if I had the chance I would go back to June of last year and do things over. Maybe that feeling will change eventually. It's great you feel good about this pregnancy. I feel the same like even with all the anxiety that the outcome for this baby will be better.

jenanderson
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Re : 1 Year and I'm OK, I think

Postby jenanderson » Mon Jun 01, 2009 02:53 am

I think when you suffer a loss the end game is being OK with never being OK again. I have learned to live and accept. At the same time I wouldn't give my life or my kids to have my DH back. I think maybe that sounds different than what I'm intending, but hopefully you'll get the point! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

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rosemary
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Re : 1 Year and I'm OK, I think

Postby rosemary » Sun May 31, 2009 09:48 pm

Katie, I am sorry that you had such a hard day on Friday. Reliving all the trauma is heartbreaking and painful. I think it's impossible not to think of and want what should have been.

So glad to hear that you are feeling good and that your pregnancy is going well. You and your sweet Fiona Elizabeth are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you peace in the weeks and months ahead. (((HUGS)))

kbunsey
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1 Year and I'm OK, I think

Postby kbunsey » Sun May 31, 2009 05:45 pm

One year ago this week I was in the hospital w/ severe preeclampsia. I kind of had a little meltdown this past Friday - I was super weird/anxious/*****y at a staff meeting. I cried so hard later that night at home that my eyelids are all red and splotchy. Sensitive Irish complexion I guess. It was one of those ugly, drooly cries complete with pleads to God, "Please don't let me get sick again. I can't do it again. Please just don't let me get sick again." And I don't even really feel that God has anything to do with getting preeclampsia or losing my baby, but somehow in my sadness and fear, there I was pleading to God to have mercy on me. Friday was the day last year they strapped me down and put me in the ambulance. Tomorrow would be the day that FB failed her BPP. June 20 is the day she was stillborn. I miss her a lot. I think about her constantly - she'd be 8mos now if I hadn't gotten sick and she were born on her EDD in September '08. We'd walk around the neighborhood with her in the stroller and go to the pool if she were here. We'd play outside on a blanket in the yard.

I sort of can't believe it has been a whole entire year. Some days just seemed so cruel and long - the nights cold and endless.

I'm super busy at work, which is good. Work is good. I am very glad for that b/c at other times in my life work has been a major source of personal chaos. My Quad Screen came back perfect and my pressure is behaving nicely in this pregnancy. That's very good too. And this baby is doing really well so far. This baby is very different from FB - quieter, probably more like my husband - FB was more like me. And I have a good feeling about this pregnancy which is amazing considering what a mess everything was with FB. I've watched my ultrasound DVD from this week about 10x and I love it!

But...it doesn't make her come back or take away any of the memories from last year - the shock, fear, physical pain, sadness, anger, confusion, or the trauma of it all. It doesn't make me forget what happend and what I still feel like shouldn't have happened or what things could be like now with her here. Honestly, I would prefer that she were her with me now. I only wanted her.

That feels kind of wrong too though. I didn't get pregnant again b/c I wanted to replace FB - how could I? But she's missing and I hate it!

I am OK. Honestly. But I am also not OK. Or maybe I'm OK with not being OK. I guess that's just the way it is.


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