Reality Check.

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
mrs.magdaleno
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby mrs.magdaleno » Sat Mar 17, 2007 05:07 pm

I am so sorry, Jenn. It is hard enough to deal with the pain of losing someone you love as an adult. I cannot imagine what it would be like as a child.

As you have read, denial is a big part of the grieving process. I was in it for several months. It really helped me to see a grief counselor. She made me take steps that I never would have made on my own and I probably would still be in denial right now.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

lisainnj
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby lisainnj » Thu Mar 15, 2007 10:21 pm

Jenn, I know how hard it can be dealing with a special needs child - my oldest has Asperger's and although he probably hasn't been acting out as intensely as your stepsons, I've gotten plenty of calls from the school - some physical altercations, lots of disciplinary action.. No advice here, because that's just the way my son is - it's not a response to a loss. Just sympathy, hugs, and prayers that things get better - you deserve a lot of credit - you didn't sign up to take this on, but you're stepping up to it.

season
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby season » Thu Mar 15, 2007 04:25 pm

Jenn,

I think I'd be more concerned if you posted saying that everything was great and you were all just doing so well. The boys' whole world has turned upside down (and it wasn't necessarily a stable world before this either.) I am sorry to hear that their behavior is so outrageous, as you and they get to deal with the consequences of that.

You have taken on a huge task - first by being so supportive of the boys' mother during her pregnancy and then coming to the plate to care for them after she passed.

I'm glad you have found a place to spill it all out. I hope your therapist isn't too scarred. :)

Also, how are things for Jai right now?

jenn
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby jenn » Thu Mar 15, 2007 04:09 pm

Ever just sit in front of your computer screen and give it a blank stare and motion like your gonna' type and then zone out?
Kinda' what's happening here.
I have PF block [:p]

Though I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read my post and share your personal stories.
I for one know how difficult it can be to spill out such personal info.
At times I talk like I'm talking about someoneelse's life.

In fact I'm convinced my therapist needs therapy now after I walked in her office.
She sat there just letting me spill out and she kept saying "omg!" "OMG!"
I kept pausing thinking "should I be here? Want me to stop so you can have a minute?" [:p]
Poor girl. I've overloaded her.

It felt good to just spill though.
And not have someone judge.

And again, I love having people like you to talk to that understand.
I feel much better today after reading your posts.
What I thought was odd behavior and emotion - is truly normal for what's going on.


Welp' I just realized I've got 3 kids at 2 different schools to round up.
Hope your all having a great day, I'll be back in touch, Jenn




annes
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby annes » Thu Mar 15, 2007 09:28 am

Jenn, I am so sorry you all are having these troubles. I know for me my grief is like a fog that lifts and comes back. I have surges of anger that are so not normal for me. My dh has this also. We are adults, and this anger almost manages to slip out, I can't imagine what it must be like for kids with wacked out hormones and immature brains. It really has not been that long for these kids, the grief is still very fresh, good luck.

kathyc
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby kathyc » Thu Mar 15, 2007 08:49 am

Jenn,

I am sorry your family is going through such a rough time. I have thought of you often since your post last summer, and I've been wondering how everyone was doing. It sounds like all of you are coping the best you can, and I just really admire you so much Jenn. I'm glad to hear you are all in counseling. I agree that it may not seem like it's helping much sometimes, but please keep going for a while. Those sessions can act like a steam valve and let the pressure off a little at a time. Your family will be in my prayers.

dja
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby dja » Thu Mar 15, 2007 01:30 am

Jenn - I lost my dad when I was 14. Your boys are younger than that, but I can at least tell you that I was in denial and wafted in and out of grief stages for years. I think some of this had to due particularly with the suddenness of my dad's death - that might also apply to your sons. I did have some counseling at first, but at times I was a pretty annoyed teen girl and didn't want anything to do with it because "I was fine" - then I'd sort of have a "freak out" and find I really needed help. I htink the problem was always that I didn't have anyone around me I felt could understand, and my mom seemed pretty much in the same situation since she'd lost her spouse. As a kid, the feeling of lack of control is very hard.

Sooo, yes, what you describe sounds perfectly normal to me, but also it should soften over time (a long time in kid years perhaps). And it may help to think of every possible method of giving the boys ways to vent - not necessarily venting on their mom's death, but making sure they can vent about how much they don't like the sauce on the pizza, or the new shirts you bought them - also giving them ways that they can feel some exercise of control in their lives might help. Good luck to you girl -this stuff is so very hard!

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rosemary
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby rosemary » Wed Mar 14, 2007 08:43 pm

Jenn,

Denial is definitely such a big part of grief...I lived in denial world for quite a while. I think that denial is our minds way of coping or protecting us from what we aren't quite ready to deal with.

With your situation, it's not just dealing with grief, but the melding of two famlies together. The entire dynamics of all of your lives have changed. That in and of itself is a major life change. There was no warning of the change, no time to think or prepare, it was just so abrupt. All you could do was react and I am sure try to keep life as normal as possible. I think of what families of second marriages go through when you try to blend families, it can be a seriously difficult time. Then when you add loss and intense grief on top of that, it's just unimaginable.

While it might not seem that counseling is helping right now, I am sure that with time you will see some positive things happening. With the kids acting out, I think it's just a part of coping. We as adults can hardly express and cope with our grief. With kids, I think it is just multiplied and they really don't know how to cope. I think the acting out is just the only way they know how to deal with all the change, hurt and confusion.

I hope that you can find some positive ways to channel all the feelings that are pouring out. I am sorry that it's all hitting at once. Hang in there and keep in touch. I think you're pretty amazing!!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you.


froggie89
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby froggie89 » Wed Mar 14, 2007 08:14 pm

Jenn,

I wasn't in denial with the loss of Alexander. But with our second loss, yeh, I am. That's partly why I started going to counseling because I knew that I hadn't come to terms with her loss. I still haven't. A part of me doesn't want to because the pain is too great and I don't want to say good-bye. April will be a year since losing her and I can already tell it's going to be a doozy. I'm hoping that I can finally let it all out and feel more at peace and not so angry. I know that I get ticked off easier than before. People can annoy me a lot faster than they used to. I can tend to me more brutally honest with people which isn't always a good thing.

One thing I remember my pastor and my counselor telling me is that you can go back and forth between the grief stages. It's not like you go from one stage to the other and you don't go backwards. You're going to have two steps forward, one step back.

I hope this helps and I hope that y'all find some peace and comfort in the days ahead. Take care and I'll be keeping y'all in my prayers and thoughts. Hugs...


jenn
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Re : Reality Check.

Postby jenn » Wed Mar 14, 2007 05:18 pm

Dawn, thanks for your reply.
I'm glad someone understands the denial bubble. I'm honestly still living in it, and it wasn't even "my loss".
The boys recent acting out has domino effected the rest of us. Kinda' bringing all of us out of the bubble and it's ugly.
Too many people freaking out all at once.
Though the boys have been EXTREME.
Luke (whom has Autism and mental retardation) told his classmates he wants to kill all of them. Well, can't do that this day age. Disabled or not.
Tyler has started lying (again), add a foul mouth and physically aggression towards classmates- big trouble.

All this on a drop of a hat.
And like you said, we too slip back and forth.
I'm going nuts.

But I can't be a hypocrite.
I'm just as guilty for going day by day like this isn't real.
If I focus on my day to day duty I'm good- but when something really small goes off track - WATCH OUT!
We just can't live like this.
But I put myself in therapy just recently and I'm hoping it'll help.

In the mean time.... good to know this is a somewhat normal stage in grieving.

Thanks for understanding me Dawn :o)


T - I love ya'!
HUGS!
thank you.
Jenn


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