I was fine, but...

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Re : I was fine, but...

Postby catherine » Tue Feb 17, 2004 11:48 am

Oh Calliesmom, that is such a sad story. I'm roman catholic and Irish and so I'm familiar with the rigid thinking that is often manifested in that faith's name. What they did was cruel and harsh, and so unwarranted. I abhor such a manipulation of the tenets of the faith, particularly in light of our stated faith in a loving and forgiving god. Never forget that you didn't do anything wrong, if you had died, she would have been lost also. You did your best to give your daughter a chance at life but it just couldn't be.

Don't pretend, either to your husband or anyone else that you are doing OK, you aren't! Many of the other women who post here who sadly lost their babies have described what an enormous hurdle dealing with an approaching due date can be.

I think that Erin is right, it might be very useful for you to be able to talk all of this through with a counsellor if you can. If being able to work through this in a "catholic" context is something that might be important to you, maybe you could approach the "Stephen ministry". Very private, I think that you can get in touch through your parish.

Let us know what you decide to do, please know also that there are people here who will always be willing to help, or listen. Feel free to email directly via the forum's emailer.


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Re : I was fine, but...

Postby deerhart » Tue Feb 17, 2004 11:07 am

Might I suggest that you seek out grief counseling to deal with everything. You have been through a tramuatic ordeal made even more tramuatic by the surrounding events. The thing is you don't have to do this alone or feel alone. It doesn't matter if the people around you understand 100% what you feel because that will never happen, but it is important that they understand that you aren't feeling fine and that you are reaching out for help.

It is very okay to ask for help and you might be suprised that the people surrounding you are aware but not sure how to approach you.

Most insurance companies do cover mental health services, which would either be like a regular co-pay to a doctors visit or some are even 100% covered. There is usually a number you can call on the back of your insurance card or you can contact their customer service line to get connected.

If nothing else, some of the larger cities the hospitals run moms lines, kids lines, or nurses lines where people can call in and ask questions, referrals etc.. and they would be able to direct you to appropriate services.

Do not feel guilty, this isn't your fault and you dind't do anything to make this happen and don't let other people make you feel guilty about it either. You did everything you could possible do.
Please talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and also seek out a professional who can help you handle the emotions that will come and go for probably quite some time.
My thoughts are with you.

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I was fine, but...

Postby calliesmom » Tue Feb 17, 2004 10:53 am

I lost my daughter Callie in November. She was 23 weeks old, and stillborn. I was in a Catholic hospital, and my doctor wanted to deliver me because I had severe PE and HELLP, and my organs were beginning to fail. However, the head nun would not allow it, and they wanted to "wait it out" until I reached 24 weeks, so that Callie would be technically viable. At 24 weeks, my doctor would not be allowed to induce me in this hospital. After arguing with the Archdiocese in Baltimore and the ethics committee for two days while my condition deteriorated, my doctor convinced them that I would most certainly die if he did not act. He was granted his request, and she was delivered to save my life. I had nurses who ignored me, and refused to help me when my baby was being born because they did not "agree" with the situation, and called my doctor an abortionist because of his decision. When all was said and done, little Callie only measured the size of a 21 week old because of the PE.

After this ordeal, I stayed home from work for two months. I still have BP and vision problems.

I have since returned to work and seemed to be dealing with everything as best I can. HOWEVER, my due date is on February 25th. Just looking at the calendar sends me into tears. I turned on the tv this weekend and was bombarded with commercials for Discovery Channel's Birth Day special. Just what I need.

I haven't shared this with my husband. He thinks I'm fine, as does everyone else. It is like this nightmare is happening again. I have extreme guilt that my daughter's life had to end to save mine, and have the pain of thinking of what might have been. Right now, I should be preparing a nursery. Instead, we're getting ready to move because we don't need the extra room. I was so looking forward to all the little girl things: Barbies in the house, the shopping trips together, the planning of a wedding, but that is gone.

Sorry to ramble, but I don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening everyone.

Callie's Mom

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