This may be the end of the road for me...

Are you considering having another child after preeclampsia? Trying again after preeclampsia can be an emotional challenge. You can find support with others who share your concerns here.
fran
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby fran » Fri Mar 06, 2009 05:35 pm

Hi there,

I dont post very often on here, but wanted to reply to this topic. I am feeling the same at the moment.

I have had a 26 weeker due to pe (now nearly 4) and a stillbirth at 24 weeks(a year ago next week) due to pe. I would love to give Ryan a sibling and have another child of my own, but I am terrified. Having had pe twice so early, I know I am likely to get it again. But so badly want another baby.
We too are looking into adoption, but here in the UK the chances of us getting a baby are slim. We would most likely get a toddler. Which is fine, but I want another baby.
I Cannot make up my mind and go round and round in circles trying to decide what to do for the best. It is sooooo hard.
I sympathise with all of you.
I am sorry to hear of the losses of some of you.

Fran

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bordergurl72
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby bordergurl72 » Fri Mar 06, 2009 05:33 pm

Thanks Pipper. It is inspiration to hear you sound so positive. Many days I say to myself, I know I am meant to adopt, and to give a child who is already out in the world a home. I wish you all the luck with your foster experience!!

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pipper
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby pipper » Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:00 am

Thanks, that means a lot. His due date (as well as my birthday) was yesterday so it's still very fresh. It probably sounds insane going into foster care where another baby will most likely be taken away from us, but we were oddly drawn to helping people after we lost our son. It doesn't make much sense but it is helping us heal...especially since seeing his nursery collect dust was sooo gut wrenching.

Being a worrier with HELLP seems like a full time job! Think back to your pregnancy...what was it like? Sometimes thinking about what you had when you were pregnant kind of fills in the blank of some things you may be missing now. For me it was the excitment of knowing my life was about to change, it was so neat to feel him kick and see him grow, it felt good to feel so vulnerable and powerful simultaneously. Some people just love the attention when they walk in a room and the way their husbands or family treat them. Others just need to be needed and feel important. Make sure the things you want can't be taken care of in other ways (getting closer to your husband,volunteering,changing your work situation, embarking on a new adventure or challenge, etc, etc) because it IS high risk and you will worry and it will be tense and scary, whatever the outcome.

I'm still completely torn like you are but I wonder sometimes. There are SO many kids and babies out there who need the very, very, very few people like us who are open enough to even consider adoption. You said that your brother was adopted...I bet it's hard for you to even remember that he's not biologically related to you...if it's about your daughter having a bro or sis, she would get the same sibling to sibling experience whether the baby came from you or was given to you.

I can tell you're a worrier (i am too!), but don't stress too much. My mom always says "Doubt means don't"....that when you are meant to do something, it's resounding and powerful and strong and overwhelms all other possibilities. Wait for that moment because it WILL come.

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bordergurl72
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby bordergurl72 » Wed Mar 04, 2009 05:17 pm

For a long time after my daughter was born I felt I would only be having another for her. But now, I want one for me..and badly. I have never had baby-fever until now. And now when i walk into a shop and see women with newborns, or my friends with theirs.....I just miss that so much!!

I really wish someone could give me an answer...don't we all! Like, if I knew I shouldn't, then a huge weight would be lifted from my shoulders.

Like I said, I would love to have a son/daughter who looked similar to daughter, especially since I think she is so cute :P But at the same time, I am so ready to adopt, and I understand what it takes, being that I have an adopted brother. Well, I like to think I understand.

And the pro....is that being that I am about to turn 37, and the chances of having problems for myself, in addition to the child having problems..well, I can just erase that whole fear. Well, kind of...I am a huge worrier, so if there is something to worry about I will.

And yes, I would love to feel pg again..well without the pre-e/HELLP..it was great for 36 weeks, and I would love that feeling again and to share it with my daughter so she could see "her baby" grow.

Of course when I ask if she wants a sibling, she says no :/

Katie and Pipper, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the heartache you must feel. Pipper, that is so great about fostering. I really need to learn more about the foster system as an alternative, I do not know much about it.

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pipper
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby pipper » Wed Mar 04, 2009 03:45 pm

Oh my gosh...I'm in the same boat as you. My baby didn't make it and I was a hair away from dying as well...so the decision is literally one about life and death. How freaking intense can you get? I'm reading your question and I can feel the overwhelm and indecision in your words. My husband and I just finished classes for foster care and a baby will be showing up anyday now but I'm not going to lie, I want so much to be pregnant again. That feeling is STRONG and undeniable and there's something about it that's all-consuming. Unfortunately, no one can tell you what to do which is something I know that I wanted so bad. Kbunsey is sooo right about that. Talk to doctors and your husband but something tells me that you already know what you want...and whether it's adoption or ttc, go for it wisely but don't be too weighed down by the "what ifs". This is the only life we have.



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julie f
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby julie f » Tue Mar 03, 2009 11:49 pm

Anne,
Dh and I had decided that when Jack turned two, we would start trying again. Go figure that one month before his birthday, I started to develop all kinds of issues - numbness, tingling and weakness in my extremities, uncontrollable all-over itching, etc. We put TTC on hold while we tried to find out what was going on. To make the long story short, we still don't exactly know but have been told possible MS or undifferentiated connective tissue disorder (both autoimmune as well). Of course all of that weighed heavily on our minds in regards to trying again and we went back forth for quite some time. In the end, we decided to go for it - what helped us to make that decision was to meet with all of our medical team again to get their thoughts, and their plans, on a future pregnancy.

It's not an easy decision to make when their is something hanging over your head - in addition to the already there worry of pe right?? But I wish you the very best in whatever you decide.

rebeccac
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby rebeccac » Tue Mar 03, 2009 11:13 pm

Anne, hi...sorry I haven't been in touch with you lately.

I know (at least I think I know) how you feel. When you have a strong chance of having a "problem" preganancy and then add in an underlying condition on top of that...it just is so hard to make a decision about TTC.

Our DS is turning 3 this week and I'll be 38 next month so I hear you on the age factor. As much as I would love DS to have a sibling, I too don't want to gamble. I think I feel worse for him than I do for me :(

Adoption? Maybe, although I don't know anything about the process....


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bordergurl72
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby bordergurl72 » Tue Mar 03, 2009 10:32 pm

Amanda, thank you. it made me teary reading your response. I agree, and truly feel that an adopted child will be no less loved by us. of course, I am sad that I won't be having a child who will look like my daughter, but really that is not what is important. And I really want to give a loving home to a child who doesn't have one.

I will be pm'ing you!

Anne

amanda
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby amanda » Tue Mar 03, 2009 09:13 pm

Hi Anne -
I remember all too well the decision to stop trying and then the decision to move on to adoption. My first two girls are adopted - they were both adopted at birth and came from the hospital with us. It is a difficult decision to make and I'll tell you it's not one that I didn't look back on from time to time thinking, well, maybe....

I just wanted to tell you that I can honestly say, without ANY reservation, that my girls are my girls - all of them, regardless of how they came into my life. I feel nothing more or less for my first two than I do for my last.

In the end I did have a VERY surprise pregnancy at 40 (just to help 'fill in the blanks' on why the last one was the bio child...LOL) but I can say that adoption, while difficult in itself, is no less a way to become a family than 'the old fashioned way' and comes with it's own joys. :)

Please feel free to PM me if you have any adoption specific questions - I'll be happy to help if I can!

kbunsey
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Re : This may be the end of the road for me...

Postby kbunsey » Tue Mar 03, 2009 08:02 pm

The decision to try again after PE for me was consuming and scary. I'm pretty anxious right now being newly pregnanta again - just wondering - did I make the right decision? The decision is a very personal choice. I asked several doctors and nurses, "Should I even consider getting pregnant again?" kind of hoping somebody would tell me, "No way" just so I didn't have to agonize over the decision myself. During the past months I thought a lot that I should just give up my hopes for motherhood and move on with my life w/out a baby. It would be easier to live that way than face all those what-ifs and potential complications again.

But then, there was my heart that tugged and tugged and tugged at me to try for another pregnancy and the hopes for bringing home a healthy, living baby this time. And the heart doesn't always do what is easier. My heart often demands that I do that which is the most difficult.

The best thing is to do what youre doing. Talk about your thoughts and feelings. Spend time quitely reflecting w/ yourself. Talk w/ your doctors. Make a plan. Talk w/ your hubby. Listen to your heart. There are good people here on the PF to support you with whatever you decide.


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