Page 1 of 1

Re : Ever feel like a

Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 11:06 pm
by whosures
Hugs to everyone!! I have definitely felt this way and I think it's definitely normal. In fact, I went through this horrible phase when I told my DH he should go find another woman who could give him a big family. [V] It's been almost 4 years and I'm still grumpy about it sometimes, but I think it gets better. One of my very best friends was recently told that she would never conceive so that helps me keep things in perspective. Whenever I get whiny, she threatens to slap me so...[:D]

Re : Ever feel like a

Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 03:08 pm
by thw75
I think (for me at least) it DOES get better -- I was a complete and utter mess for about 18 mos and then suddenly I felt better about everything, then was ok with trying for another baby at 24 mos. Anyhoo....those type of comments (from the MIL and the 1 pound baby person) will of course make you upset -- but they are generated out of ingnorance. On the flip side, hearing "Oh, everything will be fine" with your next pregnancy is also very frustrating since whoever is saying it has no basis for that assumption. Its hard to deal with people who don't 'get it' or understand ... but that's the reality. I saw a counsellor for several months to help me get thru the worst of my depression -- and I was ready and willing to take antidepressants if that didn't help. As per the DH feeling you 'failed' at pregnancy....I felt the SAME way myself, but it never crossed my DH's mind, and he was flabbergasted when I told him I was feeling like a failure. Most likely your DH was very worried about you and himself felt pretty helpless watching you go thru the pregnancies. There are so many folks on here who can relate to your feelings -- I wish I'd found this forum a long time ago. I know that now that I'm pregnant w/ my second child, its been very helpful because a lot of hard feelings come up again with the new pregnancy. Good luck, taryn

Re : Ever feel like a

Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 02:22 pm
by jenchar
DITTO...I think it is that time of year especially since we all just spent lots of time with our families.

I can't really say that your feelings will go away forever, but you'll begin to feel better little by little. Sometimes, we PE/NICU moms need the help of an antidepressant, too. That is okay! I've used them and have successfully pulled myself out of the darkness.

You are a great mom who cares for her daughters. You didn't ask for PE or prematurity. Be proud of yourself for surviving for your daughters and DH.

HUGS!

Jen

Re : Ever feel like a

Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 09:04 pm
by meg
BIG {HUGS} to all of you! I cant even really begin to relate since my PE baby was only barely a preemie. But I just wanted to echo that I am sure what you are feeling it absolutely totally normal and certainly will fade in intensity with time although the "scars" from the ordeal will always be there and flare up from time to time.
Jen, I am curious/anxious to hear your story. I tried to call you today ( home number) and got no answer.

Re : Ever feel like a

Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 08:55 pm
by molly419
Well, my post is going to differ in response, depending on the day that I am having with Abigail. I would also love to say that the feelings of failure and stress will go away so, but I am not going to lie and say yes. But all situations are different. Don't get me wrong, I have really great days, and I also have really bad days. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. Of course, Abigail has special needs with her eating and growing, so that adds a lot of stress. Abigail is 23 months, and I still am consumed with guilt, anger, sadness.

I still feel guilty that I could not carry Abigail to term, and that I also deprived her of nutrients to grow. I feel that I was cheated out of a "normal" pregnacy and infant. It took me awhile to realize that preeclampsia took that from her, and it was out of my control. Everyday I have to work at letting go of the guilt.

I also never faced the emotions that I was going through after she was born and in the hospital for 4 months. I felt that I had to be strong for my little girl and not break down. So, I stuffed all my feels deep down, which was a mistake. I also had a breakdown, and was put on Zoloft...the whole situation was too much for me to handle. I honestly believe that no mother should have to go through our situations and stress. I believe that the members here can really apperciate our struggles. There are days that I am angry for the whole situation, and why did I get the short end of the stick? But, I do believe there is a plan for Abigail, Sam and I, and I try to look at all the positives that Abigail has brought into our life.

Please know that I am here for you, and know how you feel-and it is completly normal! Don't feel guilty for being overwhelmed, having an 1lb baby is no pinic in the park! I hope this helps, and that I did not go too much off topic. Take care and lots of HUGS for you tonight!

Re : Ever feel like a

Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 08:27 pm
by jenandtheboys
Well, I hope some others drop in soon to reply (besides just me) because I'm afraid at the moment I might not be much help. You asked "does it get better?".....Yes, I suppose in my case it has, but I absolutely know exactly what you are going through and the feeling of having failed at pregnancy, birth, etc. Actually, the feeling kind of comes and goes for me at this point, which is almost 22 months after my last DS was born. I had a rough time of it last night, as a matter of fact, and was intending to post about it tonight. I don't want to steal your thread and make it about me, but would it help to hear that 1)someone else feels the way you feel and 2)it's normal (i think) in our situation to feel this way.

I'll post my venting story later. But, I do think that from my experience, which is almost identical to yours, that these feelings do ease up over time as the kids get older and you see them grow and blossom and do lots of things that other kids their age do, kwim? I can't say that the feeling will go away entirely--if it does, I haven't reached that point yet.

I also will mention that in Sept. 2005 (Ethan was 18 months old) I reached the bottom of a downward spiral emotionally, dealing with all the issues both boys have had (delays, feeding troubles, weight gain, you know the drill) and I finally consulted my doctor about my concerns and what I knew was depression. He got me started on Effexor, an anti-depressant, and it has really helped. I don't necessarily want to just recommend medication to everyone as if it's a magic cure-all, but in certain cases it can do a lot of good. For me, it has helped to "moderate" things, help me stay calmer and a little more able to roll with situations when I might otherwise have gotten really upset. Just a thought for you to ponder, and it does NOT mean you are a whole new kind of failure if you (and your doctor) end up deciding that you would benefit from this medication. No one even has to know.....my sis and DH are the only ones who do, haven't told mom or in-laws, and don't intend to either. [;)]

Check back in later for my ranting! [:I] Hope that you don't have to listen to any more insensitive comments from MIL or anyone else anytime soon. You have done and continue to do all you can for your girls, and that is what matters. What happened in pregnancy is not your fault......just keep repeating that to yourself when these thoughts come up, it sometimes helps me. (((((((((hugs))))))))))) and happy new year!

Ever feel like a

Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2006 07:52 pm
by mommyof1
failure. It sounds so horrible but lately I've been feeling this way.

I don't know why I all of a sudden started to think about this. I think it partly had to do w/ my MIL explaining to someone that my babies are so small b/c I'm small (I'm 5'1 and barely 100 lbs.). I felt like she was just saying that b/c she didn't want anyone to know that my babies did stop growing and were deprived of nutrients. Like that would be admitting that something is terribly wrong w/ both me and my daughters. I sat there like a dumbass trying to explain to both my MIL (who should already know this) and the other woman she told this to that everything really had to do w/ my HBP while pregnant. I don't know why I felt so abnormal and pathetic explaining it. Also my sister met someone this weekend that kind of knew me. The lady she met was like wasn't your sister the one that had a 1 lb. baby. Why does it make me so sick that she refers to me as the girl that had the 1 lb. baby?

While my DH NEVER insinuated anything close to this, I feel like asking him if he ever feels mad at me for not being able to carry our babies to term or at least allow them to grow properly. I know I get mad at myself sometimes and just can't help it so if I blame myself sometimes maybe he does too.

Well that completes my very sad and depressing post. I think I'm just having a bad weekend.

I just had Layla a little over 3 months ago. Someone please tell me that it gets much better and that these horrible feelings go away. That one day I will feel close to normal and I will stop obsessing over this.