Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Are you pregnant again after having preeclampsia once already in a previous pregnancy? Post your thoughts/concerns here - there are others who share your feelings. This is also the home of our Bedrest Buddies Support group.
lennoxlm
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Re : Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Postby lennoxlm » Sat Nov 12, 638935 7:46 pm

I feel like my husband and I have switched places, I was extremely nervous and anxious the first 28 weeks and then when I was sent to the hospital all of the sudden it hit my husband and now every time something doesn't seem right he calls my doctor to make sure it's okay. I think it takes a little longer for things to hit different types of people, and I found it was best to just tell my husband how I was feeling, because I have gone through some strange mood swings this pregnancy! Sorry that you are going through this right now!

jenmatt1
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Re : Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Postby jenmatt1 » Sat Nov 12, 638935 11:45 am

When my daughter was born, my husband was in another state and so I had a baby by myself and had to hear all the nurses and doctors tell me how sick I was and what they needed to do. By the time he got back to CT, we were just coming out of emergency c-section. Although I know he realizes that it was serious, he didn't have any of the panic that I had because he wasn't there. He even missed most of the doctor appts during that pregnancy b/c we were in the middle of moving to another state and he was out of town for work.

This time around, I have been more insistent that he participate so he understands how serious everything is. But even with all of that, he tries to be optimistic. I think he does that to try to "help me" but honestly it pisses me off. I too need to prepare for the worst and hope for the best as a way to control my stress and freaking out about this whole thing.

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mrss
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Re : Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Postby mrss » Sat Nov 12, 638935 10:35 am

Thank you for your responses. I knew I wasn't the only one going through this whose husband doesn't completely understand. Cindy, I think my husband also only hears the good stuff at appointments. He went with me at 9 weeks so he could hear the heartbeat and when the doctor asked how I was doing, he answered for me and said I was doing well! I was pretty annoyed that he tried to answer for me. The funny thing is that when I was sick and in the hospital last time, the nurses all knew that he was the really anxious one. One of them even said to me, "I knew right away it was your husband we'd have to worry about more than you." As soon as I wasn't pregnant anymore, though, he immediately felt better and I was the one left wondering what the heck had happened to me.

As for me time, I'm still working a couple of Weight Watchers meetings, which involves its own set of challenges when I have to line up sitters, and I'm taking a couple workout classes at the Y. The workouts are nice because spinning lets me burn up some of my frustrations and the yoga calms me back down, but it's still not like chilling out and doing something fun (At least for me. I exercise because I have to, not necessarily because I like to.) I meant to go to the Ladies' Night Out through our church the other night, but I forgot about it. Quiet time is what I'm really missing. I lived by myself for 10 years after college before I got married and I actually like being by myself sometimes.

This has been a hugely moody day for me.

sezza
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Re : Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Postby sezza » Sat Nov 12, 638935 8:14 am

I really feel for you at this time.
I think that my husband is perfect but there are times that I feel that he does not get how anxious I can be. But then that can be good for me as if I had someone that was just as anxious as me then I think that we would feed off each other.
i think that it is different when you have been the one that carried the baby and got sick. It is such a different perception. I think that this can make the blokes opinions different and seem sometimes off hand to what we experience.
is counseling an option for you both? i would investigate any means necessary to get some me time. I have no family close to i pay a babysitter for 3 hours a week. It is bliss and I think very necessary to stay on top of things. but then it depends on your budget. there might be some baby swap options??
hang in there. it is a really tough time!!

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amandaoasis
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Re : Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Postby amandaoasis » Sat Nov 12, 638935 7:37 am

My husband tries to be understanding, but I just don't think he can really comprehend the day-to-day anxiety. He doesn't get my mood swings and their connection to the anxiety. So, you are definitely not alone in these feelings. My husband has the same "it's more likely that it won't happen than it will" attitude which feels condescending at times.

Hang in there and get that gender ultrasound! Have a little fun.

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lauchlan
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Re : Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Postby lauchlan » Sat Nov 12, 638935 3:05 am

I completely understand where you're coming from. We waited such a long time to try again due to my anxiety level and now that we are pregnant, my DH is acting so excited and blissful... it's cute usually, but it's also annoying. He doesn't understand how every little twinge or cramp or back ache or headache sends me into a panic. He listens to the doctors and only hears the good things they're saying, and if there's one that we've seen that is realistic, he calls him Dr. doom & gloom. I have had many times when I've felt very isolated and alone. Anytime I mention my fears to DH or my parents, they tell me to stop focusing on th negative. I don't see myself as being negative, but preparing for the worst. I didn't want to go into this blindly again, so I've done tons of research and seen umteen doctors and specialists so that I could be armed with as much information as possible. While I'm hopeful that everything is going to turn out OK, I'm still very cautious.

jules2
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Re : Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Postby jules2 » Sat Nov 12, 638935 2:46 am

The short answer is "no"

sonja
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Re : Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Postby sonja » Fri Nov 11, 638935 11:24 pm

Oh Michelle - I am so sorry that you are having a hard time right now.

I think that you have to remember that men and women tend to deal with things very differently. I know that my dh wants to fix everything and sometimes when I want to rant I don't really want him to do anything but nod and listen - I have learned that I need to be really specific with him and tell him what I need him to do. It is not always easy to know just what I want from him (but it is easier for me to know then him to know), but when I can be specific we are both happier.

Can you get your mom or some friends to help out a bit so that you can get some "me" time?

Take care of yourself.

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mrss
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Does your husband "get" your concerns...

Postby mrss » Fri Nov 11, 638935 3:54 pm

or has has he forgotten from the last time?

This is more of a vent than anything else.

I'm starting to think my DH has forgotten almost everything from the last time I was pregnant. He can't understand why I'm moody and get upset over dumb stuff. He has also accused me of assuming the worst will happen instead of assuming it won't. I understand the logic of assuming the best, but I'm apprehensive right now. I have set a self-imposed deadline of September 1 to get all baby and postpartum related stuff in order. Last time I ended up on bedrest at 32 weeks plus some change and I got nothing else done. I realize that may not be the case this time, but I still can't help but feel that I want everything done by then. When I mentioned this to my mom, she thought it was wise planning. In fact, whenever I've mentioned it to any other woman, they've all understood. I think my DH is the only one who doesn't understand my need to have things in order. He also keeps trying to talk me out of my fears, which really ticks me off and ends up in an argument. I am nervous. I don't think that's wrong or unusual considering my experience with DS. Mentally rehearsing some bad scenarios (maybe not worst case) helps me prepare. What would I do if this happened again? I know he's nervous because I saw the freaked out look on his face when he realized I had been checking my blood pressure at home (a couple times--I don't do it regularly), but it really bothers me that every time I express to him that I'm nervous or scared, I get a mini-lecture about how, "We visted a maternal fetal SPECIALIST and he said there was a 90% chance this wouldn't happen again." (He actually has the numbers wrong, but he's in the ballpark.) I already KNOW that, but I'm still nervous. I'm not paralyzed with fear and I don't bring this up to him every day or even every week, but when I do, I wish he would just acknowledge that he's scared, too, and not try to talk me out of being scared. I told him this much today.

Physically, this pregnancy has been a lot harder. I had severe abdominal pain for several weeks and the OB's office sent me for an U/S of my gallbladder. The prospect of having surgery during pregnancy was more than a little unnerving, too. It ended up not being my gallbladder, but it has taken some strong reflux meds to calm down the problems I was having. I'm just more tired and I don't have as much time to myself to think through things because I have a 4-year-old who is glued to me. The more tired I get, the more he wants to sit on top of me--presumably to make me feel better. I hit a wall about 5:00 every day when I'm tired of dealing with daily minutea and I want to have some quiet time to myself. It rarely happens, though, because my DH works longer hours than he did when I was pregnant with DS and I frequently end up dealing with dinner and bedtime without getting much of a break. Before I was pregnant I would stay up late at night reading novels to get "me time," but now I'm so tired that I often go to bed when DS goes to bed. That just doesn't leave much me time and it also doesn't leave much time to spend with DH. At this point I'm thinking, why did we decide this was a good idea? I know I'm going to be this busy with a new baby, too. This pregnancy was planned and I very much want another child, but right about now I'm tired of being pregnant--and this was something I never experienced with DS. Until I was diagnosed with pre-e, I enjoyed pregnancy. This time I'm tolerating it.

All of this was set off today when I had my regular OB appointment and I found out that the earliest I can get my Level II U/S isn't until the end of July--when I'll already be almost 26 weeks. I'm disappointed, too, that I still don't know the baby's sex. I called my DH to tell him that I want to spend the $60 to find out at an independent U/S clinic (and I'm normally not one to spend $ frivolously on something like that) and the whole conversation about my appointment started up.


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