How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Are you pregnant again after having preeclampsia once already in a previous pregnancy? Post your thoughts/concerns here - there are others who share your feelings. This is also the home of our Bedrest Buddies Support group.
christine lyn
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby christine lyn » Fri Jan 09, 2009 10:05 pm

Sabrina,
I can sort of relate to family stress. If I could pick my own family it wounld not be who I have now. I stopped talking with let's see...my brother 3 years ago, sister 1 1/2 years ago, father 1 year but I am now only beacaue he's sick with his cancer again and not looking good and my mother I can only tolorate in short period like minute's only. I've been put through so much that the stress consummed me day in and day out. The minute I woke up till I fell asleep at night is all I could think about was my crazy family. The last straw for me was when I started to get alot of pressure in my chest and thinking I was on my way to having a heart attack. I ended up with every test done on me and turned out to be fine and figured it was all due to stress. That is when I cut my family out of my life. I have my own family to worry about and I don't need them for me it's not worth it. So I kind of understand what your going through.

quincyf
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby quincyf » Mon Jan 05, 2009 10:08 pm

Sabrina,
you are right, it is not an entitlement. I try to remember that with my own child. For a short time we are in charge and then for the rest of our and their lives, we reap the benefits (or suffer the consequences) of our parenting. Yikes...
Q

mom29
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby mom29 » Mon Jan 05, 2009 02:56 pm

We cut some family members out of our lives for four years. Now that we are allowing them back in the behaviour is AMAZINGLY different. Hope your mother learns how to act more appropriately.

missgamecock
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby missgamecock » Mon Jan 05, 2009 02:27 pm

They have all told her to back off (relatives), but it's all about her. I am just not going to respond to her. I will get on the phone with her one more time. I basically am going to tell her that she is causing me stress. I will not be picking up the phone so don't bother calling and if she doesn't stop, I am changing my numbers to unlisted. I have to be the one to tell her. She thinks she can get my dh on her side, no matter how many times he tells her the issues are between the two of us.

Quincy put it best. She does it because I still send her the dutiful cards on birthday, christmas, mother's day. So she thinks she is entitled. That is what it is. It is not an entitlement. That perception needs to be taken away. We have never shared close things. Heck she has no idea that I have had 5 surgeries in 3 years. She only found out about 2 of them because dh opened his big mouth and said I couldn't come to the phone because I had just had surgery and was in bed. Lord did I hear about that. She wanted every intimate detail (2 D&Cs, 2 Laps, and one knee surgery). I am not comfortable with that. You never know how much she is going to run her mouth and about what.

So when she calls, I'll tell her to knock it off. Then my dh will be erasing answering messages. I can't deal with her and I am not going to. Thanks to you guys, I realize I don't have to. There is nothing wrong with cutting a toxic person from your life.

mom29
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby mom29 » Mon Jan 05, 2009 12:15 am

Is there anyone else who can tell her the incessant, screaming, crying phone calls are causing your blood pressure to go up? Yes, she'll know you have bp problems but it *might* get her to stop calling you.

I understand not telling her what is going on with your pregnancy because we couldn't tell my mil anything either.

amanda
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby amanda » Mon Jan 05, 2009 10:44 am

My mom was like that too when I was pregnant and in the hospital for goodness sakes. I finally told her that I was just tired of listening to HER needs when I was the one in the hospital. I told her that I was tired of listening to her cry and tired of listening to her be negative and finally said that, if she couldn't say anything nice don't say anything at all and to QUIT CALLING MY BABY: THAT BABY!!!!!!!

Now, of course, she is the loving, doting grandmother. I have to admit that I'm glad that I said what I said but I am also glad that I maintained a civil relationship with her for the last few weeks of my pregnancy - she was just so scared that something would happen to me, something would happen to Anna Grace and she would have to bury the last of her children (she's buried 3 already).

One piece of advice I would give, along with seconding all the other advice you have already been given, is that when I DID talk with her I controlled the topics and kept them either about what SHE was doing or about subjects on the news, etc. That seemed to do the trick or at least helped.

I hope you are feeling better today!

debbie78
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby debbie78 » Mon Jan 05, 2009 09:31 am

Oh, I am sorry about your mom. Ack! I just wouldn't answer the phone when she calls. If you have an answering machine, don't listen to her messages. Have your dh delete them when he gets home.
I hope she gets a clue soon. ((Hugs))

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theartsymom
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby theartsymom » Mon Jan 05, 2009 08:41 am

Hugs!
My mom can be clueless as well- when I was in the hospital (2005) after DD's birth the nurse told me I was not allowed to do anything or talk to anyone that caused me stress.
I took that to heart and it helped my recovery.

Get vm and get DH to take messages for you - and give him a list of people you would like to talk with or know that they called- trash the rest.
HUGS!!!

quincyf
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby quincyf » Sun Jan 04, 2009 10:55 pm

Sabrina,

Have a look around on the internets and read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In fact take a look at all the personality disorders. You will read about her in one of them. I drew the royal flush of a sociopath! Scary! Dealing with these people is a bit like dealing with an addiction to drugs or alcohol...sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to be forced to make a change. We are so programmed to do our filial duty and be the good daughter (especially the good daughter...DH would never put up with the crap that I did) and send cards and visit and take phone calls. All the while being in turmoil and being miserable and often cleaning up their messes. You have proven to her that you will put up with a certain amount of her bull**** (visits, gifts, etc) so she is going to see exactly how much more she can get out of you.

I am not advocating cutting people off, I have said before it pains me to have that kind of situation in my life. But, sometimes you simply have no choice. Clearly you are an eloquent, responsible, caring person...I am sure you have tried to communicate your needs (many times) to your mother...my question to you is: when is everything you do ever going to be enough for her?

If the answer is never, I suggest following others' advice on this board and at least have a trial separation for the rest of this pregnancy. See how it feels to give yourself permission to never pick up the phone...to never rise to the bait...you may find it liberating.

Don't make any big decisions about the future, but give yourself permission to take time off now. You can always pick up the phone later.

You have enough things/people/worries to take care of right now! Hang in there.

Q

P.S.-sorry I am SO bossy about this topic. My crazy maker decided to try to make contact again this week and even though I don't interact with him, it still really disturbs my equilibrium. Seriously, these people may be crazy, but they are GOOD at manipulating the rest of us.

wrennie
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Re : How do I get her to LEAVE ME ALONE?

Postby wrennie » Sun Jan 04, 2009 10:46 pm

yikes sabrina! You really need to focus on you and that baby, and getting that Bp back down. I agree with everyone else, you have to find a way to block her out and make sure it happens. you have made it too far in this pregnancy and dont need the extra stress!

I hope you had a nice relaxing bath tonight. Try to think how we will be 35 weeks this week, and celebrate that! woohoo!


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