I can't believe she said this!

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : I can't believe she said this!

Postby kbunsey » Mon May 29, 638930 9:25 am

I don't know whether to shout, "OMG!!!" or to let out a big sigh.... I'm with you here and can only say that going over the "what ifs" and the "Perhaps" and "Maybes" doesn't get me anywhere except ugly and upset. I still find myself doing it - and it is hard to get out of. I feel like I need somebody to shake me - or hug me real hard when my head's going on like that to help em stop spinning round and round.

I had 2 different law firms look into my history and case, filed a complaint w/ the ombudsman (sp?) of one of the hospitals, sent letters, talked to EVERYONE, etc, etc...and basically everybody said, "We don't know if anybody else could have done any better" and "everybody did the best they could" and "everybody thought you were low risk - you're an otherwise healthy young woman" and "no case - no negligence." And I have to include myself in the "did the best they could" - b/c sometimes my monkey mind tries to point the finger at me - somebody has to take the blame, right. That's a distortion of the trauma.

I have to tend to agree w/ Caryn. It doesn't make it any easier or any less upsetting or any better. It is just another part of this life after PE that Just Is.

I never returned to the OB or midwife from my first pregnancy. I couldn't go back to see them. I was so angry. So sad. So hurt. So confused and at the time I might have spit, punched, thrown, done something completely irate if I did see them. I paid out of pocket (out of network) for some follow-ups and OB care the year FB died until I was able to get referred to my beloved MFM at a high risk hospital that did take my insurance. My beloved MFM from Kyle's pregnancy looked over my history thoroughly during my preconception consultations and always told me that FB had a bad placenta - it was the placenta all along causing the problems. Kyle had a good placenta. She showed it to me at his delivery! It totally helped me to never see the first OB and midwife again!

I know it is hard. It is so hard. Every time something comes up and I feel myself reaching back, gripping, grabbing at something - some part of it - maybe this time I'll be able to change it - fix it - make it better - but no. I can't. No matter how hard I try to to rearrange every part of it. I can' change it now. And then I have to start back on the process of acceptance.

Oh and I too hate the medical terminology. My records say, IUFD, Intra Uterine Fetal Demise. I hate that! The other one was my PCP who said, "You lost the pregnancy." I swiftly corrected her, "I didn't lose anything. The baby died." Maybe I was harsh. I donno...It is constant work.

Be good to yourself.

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Re : I can't believe she said this!

Postby jules2 » Thu May 18, 638930 7:44 am

I have also thought about this - my GP knew I had an unexplained high creatinine level but I was never treated as high risk. I now have a diagnosis of chronic kidney disease, and of course I wonder if things would have turned out better if I'd been treated differently during my pregnancy with Alice.

But I think Caryn is probably right - aspirin frankly doesn't seem to help that much and early onset PE is just such bad news that its likely Alice would not be alive, whatever had been done. I can never know this for sure & I will always have that doubt; after all plenty of 26 weekers do survive nowadays.

However, I went through a hypertensive crisis, pulmonary oedema and severe HELLP syndrome. I thought I was going to die or be left with brain damange, and I know the hospital were scared for me too. Some of that might have been avoidable if I'd been treated as high risk & known better what to look out for. Whilst you can't always save the baby, you mostly can the mother. So I would be angry that they didn't warn you - tell you what the symptoms were and how to help yourself / monitor yourself. That put you at extra unnecessary risk (IMO).

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Re : I can't believe she said this!

Postby caryn » Wed May 17, 638930 9:47 pm

Dara, I very much doubt that things would have gone much better even if you *had* known -- because in first pregnancies, the spiral arteries aren't remodelled at all, and everything the placenta does is uphill. In subsequent pregnancies, Aaron's work was there to exploit, to make implantation easier.

Also, we have had posters lose children in second or third pregnancies -- like Anne's Griffin -- so I'm guessing that hasn't yet been an experience your OB has shared. But no one could promise "no fetal demise". There is a very high level of fetal loss in human pregnancy, which is why we invented medicine to help us out with it, and your odds would be way better knowing what you know now about your biological tendencies. But *no one's* odds of loss are ever 0.

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Re : I can't believe she said this!

Postby sophiesmom » Sun May 07, 638930 11:25 pm

I switched doctors after I lost my daughter.At first I started going to the same doctors, but I was not happy with them. I know a lot of factors contributed to my loss. They were very negative when I discussed planning for another pregnancy. One doctor in particular was very negative and tried the "scare" tactic informing me I could have died. Really? I didn't realize. I was the one in the hospital for 8 days flat on my back! If they had referred me to a MFM earlier on, things may have been different. They might not have. I am sad I don't have my daughter, but I am trying to move on.
I am very happy with my new doctor. He has informed me that if I did get pregnant again, it would be a team effort. I would have the OB/Gyn, a MFM and my hematologist. There is a risk. I am aware. I met with the MFM and he gave me a game plan.
If you have doubts about your doctor, I suggest looking for one. We have been through a lot, and we need to have people to support us.

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Re : I can't believe she said this!

Postby darateacher » Sun May 07, 638930 8:53 pm

I'm hoping it's just speaking without thinking, because if it's not, what a horrible thing to say and think about! To think that I could've actually saved Aaron! Aargh!!!! They caught it too late!

I don't need to see my OBGYN more than once a year for my yearly exam anyway. I just won't ask her such questions anymore.

Thank you so much for understandin me, ladies! (((HUGS!)))

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Re : I can't believe she said this!

Postby annes » Sun May 07, 638930 8:38 pm

HUGS, it sucks that she said that, it is not really a happy thought to think that something might have been done to change what happened. I have no other advice, except what Rosalinda said, if you do not feel comfortable with your doctor, you should find another. Also, maybe she was speaking with out thinking, maybe she was not remembering your history accurately as she spoke. Take care of yourself.

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Re : I can't believe she said this!

Postby rosalinda » Sun May 07, 638930 4:10 pm

I know the feeling...I've looked at my medical records too--and while my BP's were not CONSISTENTLY high prior to my first pregnancy, they were labile..sometimes high, other times not. It breaks my heart to think that had I been referred to a Peri/MFM doctor from the beginning, something as insignificant as being on a low dose aspirin would have saved my little girl.

Which is why--I no longer see that OB.

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I can't believe she said this!

Postby darateacher » Sun May 07, 638930 9:40 am

I know Aaron would be 2 and 1/2 right now, had he survived. But, I've got to say, I've been pretty accepting of the fact that there was no finger to point, until now.

The first week of May I went to the OBGYN for my yearly visit. I was asking her questions about if I were to go into a 4th pregnancy about the possibility of making it to close to full term, if not full term. She started telling me, most likely, 36 weeks.

Anyway, she promised me that the MFM are very skilled and that we wouldn't be looking at another fetal demise, like Aaron was (I like to refer to him as Aaron and not "fetal demise". She also said that sometimes it takes the loss of a child to figure out that my high blood pressure was chronic. Ummm...NO!!!! If she knew I had a history with it (medical records with high bps when not pg), why not immediately send me to the MFM?! Holy cow! Aaron could've been fine from the get go! I'm angry! But, part of me continues to ask, "Should I be angry? Is it her fault?"

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