i am sinking

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
fiona
Forum Moderator
Posts: 5767
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 08:33 pm

Re : i am sinking

Postby fiona » Mon Oct 05, 2009 05:41 pm

Katia,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Anya and your continued pain. It is so hard watching the world keep turning when yours has stopped dead. I admit that 12 years after losing Nate, I can still recall the more insensitive things said to me at the time. I lost friendships over it that never recovered.

About six months after losing Nate, I agreed to some grief counselling. I only took three sessions because I found it incredibly cathartic - I had such pent up anger and I needed to be able to say out loud all the most unpleasant thoughts that were eating away at me. Being able to rant at a total stranger who couldn't be hurt by my words, or in a position to judge them, really helped me.

I won't say I forgave everyone - because I didn't. But it helped me put things in perspective enough to accept the comfort and help from those who really were there for me. I guess it helped me out of a grief phase I was stuck in, and move on to the next stage in my journey.

I hope you find the thing that works for you.

lisainnj
Registered User
Posts: 595
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 07:07 pm

Re : i am sinking

Postby lisainnj » Sat Oct 03, 2009 00:24 am

I am so sorry. The only thing you can do is stay away from the clueless (even your own family for a while); lean on those who do understand. Your skin will toughen with time.

If you can find a pregnancy/infant loss support group it might help a lot. To be with women who've endured that grief, and all the thoughtlessness that the world heaps on top of that, at least lets you not suffer alone.

leeann34
Registered User
Posts: 137
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 10:18 am

Re : i am sinking

Postby leeann34 » Fri Sep 25, 2009 06:01 pm

I am so sorry about the loss of your child. I recently lost my daughter because of preeclampsia. She was born very premature and passed away from comlicatons about 3 months later. I just recently went back to work and one of the ladies I work with popped her head into my office and just started talking like nothing had ever happened. I don't know what hurts worse, people saying the wrong thing or people who don't even acknowledge your loss. She never said sorry for your loss or how are you doing? Nothing! Even worse was my own mother told my sister that I am taking this to hard! That really hurt me. I could expect other people to say something like that but your own mother! I also have a cousin whom I am very close too who never called me more than once during my whole ordeal. So, I know exactly how you feel. I am not sure why they act that way or say the things they do. The only thing I can think of is...it's the only way they know to respond because they are uncomfortable with the situation. Some people are more understanding than other. I am sorry that you have been hurt by words that have been said and those that haven't. Please know that there is someone out there who understands what you are going through.

rj&abbysmom
Registered User
Posts: 32
Joined: Sun Aug 09, 2009 07:50 am

Re : i am sinking

Postby rj&abbysmom » Fri Sep 25, 2009 04:19 pm

(((HUGS))) I to am so sorry for your loss. Feeling angry is natural and to be expected. Vent all you need to get it out.

annes
Forum Moderator
Posts: 2527
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2004 11:53 am

Re : i am sinking

Postby annes » Thu Sep 24, 2009 07:32 am

I am so soryry for the loss of your baby girl and everything else that you are going through. I just wanted to echo what everyone else is saying, I think anger is a natural part of the process. I was lucky, in that I had a lot of support from my friends and family, but I do think that as time passes a lot of people just sort of forget that you have been through *. Like you I already had another child, and like you I counted my blessings for him everyday of those early days, he is the only reason that I could get out of bed. My due date was a really awful day for me, I was just starting to really come out of what I called my fog, and it just hit me like a tons of bricks. I had not prepared myself at all, if I can give you a piece of advice, it would be to think about how you want to spend that day. Take care of yourself.

joker
Registered User
Posts: 1212
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2007 10:55 am

Re : i am sinking

Postby joker » Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:55 pm

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of Anya. I think what you are feeling right now is completely normal. You have just gone through a devastating, traumatic experience and you deserve to be angry about it. I know that for myself, I pulled away alot from the people that were supposed to be the closest to me. It was easier than dealing with them.

Hugs to you.

Have you thought about looking for an infant/pregnancy loss support group? I go to one run by my hospital and it really helped me. I still go to meetings and find it comforting.

wrennie
Registered User
Posts: 1019
Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2007 02:12 pm

Re : i am sinking

Postby wrennie » Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:44 pm

Hi Katia,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry that those around you dont seem to be super compassionate. Sometimes I think people dont know how to behave, even if they love you. It is a shame but sometimes people think ignoring tough truths is the way to deal with them. I found more support in my family in my loss, but I did find that my friends acted wierdly. I did the best I could to change this by opening up to my closest friends, to bring them closer to my feelings...to let them know what support I truly needed. It feels like you shouldnt have to teach your friends this compassion, but reality says otherwise. On the other hand, if you dont have the energy to do this now, then DONT. Listen to yourself and make sure you are getting what you need emotionally. You shouldnt have to deal with any more than you can handle right now. Let that be known to, if that is how you feel. People will understand and be there for you when you are ready. But, I have found you have to kind of guide people, unfortunately.

As far as anger, yes my initial months after losing were full of anger...at everyone from my pregnant friends, to the doctors, to myself. It took a while to get past it. Through counseling I found strength and coping skills in order to turn my anger into more productive things, but it took time before I was able to start coping with out being so angry.

Hang in there, I believe anger is actually considered part of the grieving process. It sucks there is no denying that, and I am heartbroken for you. sending you hugs......

bkanglin
Registered User
Posts: 78
Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 05:37 pm

Re : i am sinking

Postby bkanglin » Wed Sep 23, 2009 07:18 pm

I too at one point was very angry (I still am at times). I think that it is just a natural part of the grieving process. A couple of my friends disappeared shortly after everything. It is definitely hard to forgive people, but I have a whole new outlook on life now. I have decided that you never know what may happen and do I want to be angry with these people if something was to happen tomorrow. I have a different relationship with some of these friends now just because there is something there that has been broken, but I have decided to forgive them for my own piece of mind.

(((hugs)))

irbit
Registered User
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Mar 31, 2009 11:25 am

i am sinking

Postby irbit » Wed Sep 23, 2009 06:32 pm

it has been 2 months since Anya's death. I would be due at the end of October...

I think I am getting worse...mainly more and more angry. Instead of grieving ( I am not even sure how one is supposed to grieve) I seem to be taking it out on everyone around me.I am just apalled at people's attitude. Everyone (family,friends) seems to have forgotten and moved on and I should do the same. Noone ever mentions Anya's name or asks us how we are REALLY doing.

Yes, I know that people are scared to upset me, bla bla bla

To be honest, I think it's all a load of BS. If a member of my family died, their reaction would be very different. I've seen this with my own eyes. Unless you baby is born alive and healthy, it doesn't count. It's OK that I've carried for 5 and a half months, it's OK that we had to attend like a hundred hospital appointments and live through all that fear and uncertainty..It's OK to watch your child die inside of you (we had to put her to sleep before inducing) and then to go through a 12 hour induced labour and give birth to a dead baby...

On top of everything I have also lost my job. Yes, finances are tight but how does everyone expect me throw myself back out there when I don't even feel like brushing my teeth.

I swear I will slap the next person who tells me that at least I have Mya, or I have to go on for Mya's sake ( I am quite aware of that, thank you very much) or that God is great.

I had a huge fight with my so-called best friend today who hasn't even bothered to come for birth, funeral or afterwards. She had a cheek to tell me she thought it was best to let me grieve in peace, and anyway times have been hard for her too and I never came to visit her (she lives in a different town). How can one compare even remotely?

Perhaps, I do need councelling or anti-depressants or both. But to be honest, I don't think it will make much difference to get rid of this huge anger at the moment.

Sorry for my long vent... Was anyone else so angry at any point? How did you "forgive" them?


Return to “Grief and Loss”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests