I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
clayjmw
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby clayjmw » Sat May 23, 2009 02:09 am

Debbie, I my daughter was still born in 2002 because of preeclampsia 6 months later I found myself pregnant again. I thought the same things as you and then I developed preeclampsia again and my son was born exactly 1 year and 1 day after my daughter he was 3 months pre mature. Through out my pregnancy I was afraid that I would feel like I was replacing Jasmine with Clay but I realized that no one could take that place. To me when I had Clay and he survived I felt that he had a little extra help in staying alive. I think it helps to have those feelings I seemed to treasure the time more than I think I would have done.

debbie78
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby debbie78 » Sat May 23, 2009 00:27 am

Su-- I was just writing something similar in my blog the other day about your second to last paragraph. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Sophie. Losing her really does put a shadow over everything else. She is always in my thoughts. And it's been nearly 29 months since she died. I thought maybe there would be a day when I didn't think of her, but you know what? Why would I ever want that? She's my baby too, and just as I see and think of Rylie everyday, I shouldn't feel like there is something wrong with me because I think of Sophie, too. Her death has changed me in ways only people like "us" could know.

Thank you, Su, for your response. <3

suleaf
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby suleaf » Fri May 22, 2009 10:20 pm

Hmmm.... well, I mourn Mira even MORE since Samar was born.... but it's not like she overshadows him. After all, Samar is here with me- bathed, fed, coos and gurgles.... mostly what I feel is like what Anne said- I should have two babies, she should be here too. I miss her more... I wonder what she might have looked like, felt like in my arms, what she might have worn....

It's different too than what Carin feels... I have a little boy now and I lost my little girl. I'm crying now even as I write this because the terrible truth is that I miss having a GIRL. It's no secret I wanted to be pregnant with a little girl this time around- and although Samar is precious and I can't imagine him being anything else- there is the hole in my heart that my daughter left. I wanted a girl and now I have something so wholly different, it feels completely different altogether. I went to Old Navy the other day and bought him a dinosaur onesie and some overalls.... and looked at the girl dresses.... and had to leave the store because I was sobbing. All that I could think was that I wanted a girl, I lost a girl, I might never have a girl.... and it hurts me terribly. It is separate from Samar, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if I feel that he heals me because it feels so separate and distinct. He is his own entity, a second child, a different child.... she is the the child I can never really have. Although, like Carin, I think she kept him safe for me and sent him to me.

I don't know if I will do the baby book idea... I don't know honestly if I plan to even tell Samar about his sister really. To me, I see her face when I see him- he looks exactly like her in boy form- but I dont plan to tell him proactively because he seems like such a different, distinct choice I made and I don't want him to carry my sadness or feel like I brought him here to replace her. Now that is just MY feeling.... it's also just hard for me to talk about in general in real life. Yes, Mira is the reason that Samar is here.... but she might have been the reason even if she had survived- after all, I think about a third pregnancy just because of my love for Samar.... so my third child might exist because of Samar, just as Samar exists because of my love for Mira.... does that make sense?

Either way, this is the catch, isnt it??? Losing our babies.... it puts a shadow over everything in our lives for the rest of our lives. We carry them with us no matter where we go, or what we do. It impacts things in ways we don't expect. This is what we live with and me.... I just try to find the balance in that- I wrote to my OB, "You brought me through the saddest time in my life and you brought me through the happiest time in my life".

Well, that is true.... but I think that will always be my life with my son- the happiest moments shadowed by these moments of true sadness.... bittersweet.

debbie78
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby debbie78 » Fri May 22, 2009 04:14 pm

Thank you, everyone, for all your kind words. <3

Carin, I agree that that is a wonderful idea with the baby book. Just perfect.

chemmer
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby chemmer » Thu May 21, 2009 10:58 pm

As some of the other women have said and I agree there will always be someone missing. in your heart they should be here but are not. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and your wecome your bundle of joy into your life!

love_the_daschies
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby love_the_daschies » Thu May 21, 2009 06:28 pm

quote:Originally posted by wrennie

.

I decided since Aylah was born, to combine Elodies baby book with Aylahs. I of course didnt have enough to fill the book I started for Elodie. BUt, thought, geeez, it makes sense to fill it up with Aylahs memories and keeping it with the ones I had put in for Elodie. That way, when I give the book to Aylah she will always have the memory of her sister and carry it on within her too.


That is such a great idea. :)

wrennie
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby wrennie » Thu May 21, 2009 05:48 pm

Hey Debbie,
i can relate to that feeling, although I am sure every one is somewhat different. It is bitter sweet isnt it? I think of the day that I will tell Aylah about her sister and how she wouldnt be here if Elodie survived. My heart fills with emotion at that thought, every time. Sometimes I cant wrap my head around how significant that is, and that emotion has only gotten greater now that Aylah is here. She makes me realize first hand how HUGE the loss of Elodie was/is. I knew it before, sure, but now that I have a little one growing and thriving and filled with life, it really opened up my eyes to what it means that Elodie is not here. It hits me hard sometimes. I cry sometimes, mostly just tear up, when something that Aylah does is so dang cute and Elodie pops into my head, and I think she never even had a chance for that. It breaks my heart, but at the same time I am so happy. Its a tough one.

I dont think the birth of Aylah overshadows Elodie at all. Like I said, Elodie is the reason Aylah is here. I see them together like that, and I still think of Elodie alot. I do have two daughters, though one is not here. We are going to clean Elodies grave this weekend in the mountains and plant flowers, and I cant wait to get there. I feel very in touch with her and keeping my promises to her...mainly to love her as if she was here.

I decided since Aylah was born, to combine Elodies baby book with Aylahs. I of course didnt have enough to fill the book I started for Elodie. BUt, thought, geeez, it makes sense to fill it up with Aylahs memories and keeping it with the ones I had put in for Elodie. That way, when I give the book to Aylah she will always have the memory of her sister and carry it on within her too.

I dont know if that helps you or not. I think its normal to feel anxious, there is alot of emotions that get brought up. Aylah, for me, has healed a huge part of my heart and for that I thank Elodie as I am sure she sent her to me, I just know it.

good luck girl, hang in there. Just be open to your feelings and do what feels right. You will develop a new normal in which you are at one with those feelings.

annes
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby annes » Thu May 21, 2009 10:35 am

For me there have been a few time since Clover was born that my grief for Griffin has been so sharp and focused that it took my breath away, for the most part, though having her has been a joyful experience. My feelings for her are very seperate from my feelings about Griffin. The hardest part for me is the feeling that someone is missing, sometimes I look in the backseat, and I am shocked to see two kids, there should be three. Hugs to you, we will be here to help if you need us.

shierman
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby shierman » Thu May 21, 2009 08:32 am

I'm sorry that I can't speak to it either, but it is also on my mind. I'm working hard at mentally keeping my two children, the one I don't have and the one I will, separate. Trying to remember that each of them is unique and special in my mind so that I can love this new little one without a shadow hanging over his/her head. But who knows how I'll react...

brianned5
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Re : I am not sure where to put this (PG mentioned)

Postby brianned5 » Thu May 21, 2009 07:27 am

I can't say for certain, but I don't think the birth of our new babies will be overshadowed by the babies we lost, but I do think there will be sorrow and longing.


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