Having a bad day.

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
brianned5
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Re : Having a bad day.

Postby brianned5 » Mon Apr 06, 2009 06:01 pm

I'm so sorry for your losses.

annes
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Re : Having a bad day.

Postby annes » Tue Mar 31, 2009 01:20 pm

Hi Michele, I am sorry that I am late seeing this, but I wanted to say hello and say how sorry I am for your losses. I think that anniversaries bring up so many of the emotions that lurk around a sad event, and sharpen them. You are not a terrible mom, you are a human who has been through some really hard stuff and made the decisions you made based on the circumstances you were in at the time. Please do not be so hard on yourself. Hugs.

cheleandcallidora
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Re : Having a bad day.

Postby cheleandcallidora » Tue Mar 31, 2009 12:31 am

Nancy, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard, especially so soon after. How are you doing? I will also be praying for you and your little angel. Hugs!

brockner1
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Re : Having a bad day.

Postby brockner1 » Tue Mar 31, 2009 12:18 am

I am so sorry for your losses. I myself lost my first baby last month so i can understand how you feel. My prayers are with you.

cheleandcallidora
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Re : Having a bad day.

Postby cheleandcallidora » Tue Mar 31, 2009 11:38 am

Thanks everyone. I have been such a mess lately! I am pregnant again and scared to death. I think it is bringing up a lot of unresolved emotions that I thought were gone. I am so thankful for the support I have found here. I am so glad I found you guys but at the same time I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It seems so unfair to be given such a precious gift just to have it taken from you. Thanks again.

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rosemary
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Re : Having a bad day.

Postby rosemary » Mon Mar 30, 2009 09:57 pm

Hi Michele, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. One of the ways that helped me to work through my grief was to read some of the stories on this site, and to share my own story. When I found this site, I felt like I found a place where others understood how I felt and shared many of my experiences. The wonderful ladies here helped me through the worst of the worst.

The situation you experienced with the u/s technician is really heartbreaking. In a time where you should have been treated with the utmost care and compassion, you certainly weren't. I can tell you from my own personal experience that I had incredible guilt after my loss. When I looked back, there were things that I wish I would have done differently. Like you, I was heavily medicated and under terrible duress when I had to make the most difficult decisions of my life. It took me a while to understand and accept that I did the very best that I could under sad and frightening circumstances. You are not an awful Mom. You were put in an awful situation and did the very best that you could. Please try to be gentle with yourself. Wishing you peace and healing.

missingjasper
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Re : Having a bad day.

Postby missingjasper » Mon Mar 30, 2009 07:23 pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. I'm also sorry to hear about how that u/s tech treated you at a time when she sould have been the most compasionate.

cheleandcallidora
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Re : Having a bad day.

Postby cheleandcallidora » Mon Mar 30, 2009 05:45 pm

Thanks Carole!
It is so weird how you can think you have worked through something just to have it come back and slap you in the face. I have had a lot of guilt dealing with my first loss. I thought it was gone, but today it is back. I knew I was going to lose him, but the doctors wanted to see if my body would naturally end the pregnancy. I ended up going in due to very heavy bleeding. They said they would have to do a D&C with how much blood I was losing. I was put on dilaudid (5x stronger than morphine) and was given the max dose. I wasn't really myself after that, it helped with my emotional pain but looking back I wish I wouldn't have had it. They took me to do an US and the tech was horrible! Half way through they made me go to the bathroom and that's when I lost my little baby. I begged her to help me (I could barely walk let alone deal with the situation) but she insisted it was just a blood clot and I needed to hurry up because this was an ER and she had other people waiting. I knew she just didn't want to deal with the situation. She was so mean and heartless. She insisted I flush the toilet and get back into the room so she could finish my US. So I felt I had no other choice and did as she instructed. When she continued the US it turned out I was right. My little baby was gone.

It didn't really sink in until the next morning when the drugs wore off. What kind of mother was I? How could I do that to my baby? When I woke up I begged my husband to bring me back. I just wanted them to put me on the drugs again so I didn't have to deal with the pain of what I had done. Not that they would have given them to me. I loaded up on the percocet for the next few days, but it didn't help with the guilt I felt. I feel like the worst mom ever. I would give anything to go back and change what happened that night. How do you move on and get past that guilt? I try and just when I think I'm finally ok it all comes back.

carjashaner
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Re : Having a bad day.

Postby carjashaner » Mon Mar 30, 2009 03:42 pm

I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I hope there is a way that you can find solice and work through your grief. There are a lot of wonderful people here who share your loss. Please remember that youa re not alone. We are all here for you.

cheleandcallidora
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Having a bad day.

Postby cheleandcallidora » Mon Mar 30, 2009 02:04 pm

Hello,
My name is Michele and I wanted to share my story in hopes that it will help me to move out of the slump I am currently in. 2008 was a really bad year for me. It started in Jan. when my cousin (we are very close) had her baby Charlie stillborn at 40 weeks. I was so devastated. I didn't have a clue things like that still happened. I went to see them in the hospital and had the privilege of meeting Charlie. The next few weeks were so hard for me. I felt so selfish because I felt like I was having a harder time with his loss than she was. She was so strong and I was just a wreck. One week later I found out I was pregnant. I felt so guilty. I didn't understand how she could be so happy for me after what she had just been through. I had a lot of problems with my pregnancy and lost Fiorello 3/4/08 somewhere between 10.5 and 12.5 weeks. I just couldn't understand how god could take two babies from our family so close together.

My Dr.s told me it was just something that happens and I could try again right away. I felt the need to fill the hole I had. I got pregnant again right away and had another miscarriage 6/6/08. We named her Leola. My Dr.s still insisted it was just a fluke and refused to do any testing until I lost another baby.

I joined a support group with my cousin. Between my two losses my sister in law got pregnant. It was really hard for me that everyone forgot about what we were going through and focused only on her and her baby. I know it is selfish, but I was still hurting and wanted to talk through my pain. I then found out she was pregnant with twins and one was ectopic. So yet another baby was taken from our family.

I was beginning to feel like I was the problem. Everyone I knew was losing there babies. I worked through that feeling just to find out my friend/co-worker had also had a stillbirth. All my feelings came back. I just don't understand how I can go through life and never have a clue about any of this and in one year 5 babies of people I was close to and myself were gone.

Recently I found out I have elevated lupus anticoagulant levels. The combination of this and the MTHFR are probably the cause of my severe PE I had with my daughter and my two losses. I have been doing pretty well, until the 1 yr mark of when we lost Fiorello. I know that the second anniversary is coming up soon and I just feel so down.

I think I just needed to get out what I had been through and have someone listen. Thanks for giving me that chance.


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