Still feel pregnant

[mrs.spit]

Chemmer, for a long time after my son was born I would feel kicking. It's hard. It's part of the grieving process. Almost all women who lose a baby have what-if's. Wondering if they could have done something differently. In time, happiness does come back. You are right, it's not the same, like I tell people, part of my heart is in heaven with my son, how could it be the same as it was before.

Hugs.

[chemmer]

Thank you everyone for you comments! I am starting to feel better. I just remember before this all happened I would take deep breathes and feel so happy with the way my life was. Content! I do not think it is possible to every get the feeling back. But I know that I will be happy again just not 100% there will always be the % missing.

[rxl100]

It's been a little over a year since we had our little girl at 28 weeks and just last night my husband and I were talking about what we could have done differently. What could we have done differently that would have saved her life? He's says he can't think about it too much because it makes him too angry, I just feel guilty. I felt like such a weak woman/mother for feeling like crap all the time while I was pregnant. We all want and expect our pregnancies to be perfect so I just assumed that it was just a part of being pregnant and I ignored all the symptoms I was going through. My rational mind tells me that there is nothing that could have saved our daughter, the hard part is explaining that to my mother's broken heart.

[kbunsey]

It is really hard to wrestle with all these "should haves" and "how could I's" but we have to do our best to forgive ourselves. We did the best we could with the information we had. We can't go back and fix the mistakes we think we've made - we have to let go. It is so hard, I know. You did the best you could. You're going to have to convince yourself of that b/c it is true. You did the best you could and you didn't do anything wrong. PE is an awful, awful disease. It baffles even the best doctors and robs us of our sanity. You didn't do anything wrong.

I replayed everything in my mind for months following my loss. When I think back to last May, I felt like crap - all of a sudden one day I felt puffy and had an unusual tired for several weeks. People were like, "Oh, you're pregnant - how wonderful!" and all I could think was, "I feel yucky." AND...I didn't know what that yucky was. I just thought, "This must be another pregnancy yucky." I walked around for weeks w/ BP of 180/110 and didn't even know it. I wasn't told to monitor my BP at home, so I did't. But, I had PE. No wonder I felt yucky and was puffy. And the baby's movements slowed quite a bit. I even ate a bunch of candy one day b/c my baby usually moved around a lot when I ate anything sugary - that day she didn't move at all even w/ all the candy. I just thought, "she's too young and too little to feel her move regularly." Nope. She was sick too. i was making myself sick reviewing all of the details and "facts" of what happened to me. I thought it would help me to feel better - figure this out - but it just became an obsession that resulted in my feeling like a big gigantic failure of a mother. Which, I am not. Neither are you!

Be good to yourself and get some rest. Give yourself time to grieve and allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Grieving is a lot of work too - but you're doing a good job - sharing your feelings and getting it out. Be gentle w/ yourself.(((hugs)))

[jsu_work]

Hugz.. This disease is so tricky. I hope that peace finds you. We do our best with what we have. It's tough saying goodbye but our kids would want us to take the best care possible of ourselves and the family.

[lisainnj]

You could not have known. Ligaments stretch, muscles strain, babies push and weird pains come with being pregnant. They turn toward the back and they sleep and they get crowded. Please don't blame yourself.

Even now, more than two years later, when the gas bubble move just so, my heart lifts with joy for just an instant, so automatic and illusory is that link between body and mind. It doesn't torment me any more - just reminds me that I carried my babies with love.

(((hugs))) and peace to you.

[rosemary]

Carissa, I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now. I know that I replayed so much in my mind, and questioned my own judgement too after my loss. PE is a horrible disease that can hit us like a tidalwave, with symptoms that can be like puzzle pieces that sometimes just don't fit - or makes sense at the time. Please try to be gentle with yourself. Sending you hugs and wishing you peace.

[chemmer]

I was sitting in bed watching a movie with my daughter and I felt my stomach move. i have been feeling this at work too. I know its just gas but sometimes it feels faintly like Ethan kicking. I miss that. Ethan was such an active baby inside of me. He was always kicking. all day long non stop! I started feeling him kick at 16 weeks and then noticed that he stopped the at 32 weeks when I went to my visit. I ask my self how could I not of known?

How can I have a baby inside of me for so long and not of known that he was not moving, or that something was wrong? when I think about it I remember a week before he died I had this horrible pain in my upper right side. it went away after a few hours and I blew it off. I thought well my blood pressure was 118/70 at my visit last week and I have not had any swelling or headaches so everything is fine. maybe I just wanted to have a full term baby so badly that I ignored the signs. But still HOW COULD I NOT HAVE KNOWN.