So, what do you say........?

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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby shonia » Wed Mar 24, 2004 10:38 am

I feel as though i would never say that i don't have a child because i do. I understand about strangers, but i would feel as if i am denying Savana if i say i have no children. I suppose if someone asked me that question i would say, "Yes, a beautiful daughter named Savana and i can't wait to see her when i get home, and that home is Heaven." I would say it with love and excitement! Then, maybe they wouldn't feel to uncomfortable. And i wouldn't sound so pathetic to them.[:)][:)]

Shonia Burch
Mother of Savana Lynsey
Born still 10/25/03 @ 31 weeks

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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby kimpaulus00 » Mon Mar 22, 2004 04:33 pm

I guess that I am with Julie on this one.
For me, it really does depend on the environment (location and to whom I am speaking, etc.). If it is a complete stranger or someone that I just met, I usually say no. In an environment where I am much more comfortable, then I may say yes and tell Allison's story.
I have also felt the guilt about saying no. I feared that Allison would
feel rejected as a result, but my husband and I talked about how to
answer the question and decided on this approach. My DH reminded me that
Allison knows that she is always in our hearts and can see the situation
that we are in and as a result will understand.
I do not know if this is much help or not....

Kim -- mother to Allison Jean, our beautiful angel who showed a spirit and strength that belied her small size

for faith
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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby for faith » Mon Mar 22, 2004 09:39 am

I haven't really had this problem yet, but I can forsee it. I'm not sure what I will say, because as others have said society has a problem with this, which is sad. Nobody would ever want this to happen to them, but it did. An older person, who may have had an adult child die would never not say they had son or daughter, but for some reason I think people think it is different for us and it isn't. The loss and significance to our lives is great.

Sorry I wasn't much help, but probably I will say, "I have a 4 year old son and a daughter that passed away".

mommy to:
Tyler - almost 4
Angel baby - January 2003 (11 weeks)
Faith Kristine - 1/5/04-1/30/04 (born at 30 weeks due to severe preeclampsia, passed due to NEC (intestinal premie complication) & Sepsis)

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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby beckty » Mon Mar 22, 2004 08:09 am

This is a difficult one for me. It's hard in some ways to acknowledge that I have two children, without ripping open grief. And I've been doing so well that I hate going there. But William deserves to be counted as one of my children. I haven't been faced with it much yet, and I think I go back and forth on this. For me, a comfortable answer is probably going to be "one at home and one with Jesus" and then if someone asks for more information, I'll be ok with giving it.

Our society is a little odd about this subject, so it makes me uncomfortable my answer. I hate the idea of someone discrediting my statement that I have two children, simply because my baby died long before he could come home with us. Does that make any sense?


Mom to Tyler (9) and William (in Jesus' arms at 27 weeks. 01/18/04 - Severe placental abruption at 15 weeks followed by severe PE and HELLP at 27 weeks. Delivery by emergency c-section)

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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby amillhouse » Wed Mar 17, 2004 02:27 pm

I think that since I answer "yes" to whether or not I am a mommy then I have to say "yes" when asked whether or not I have children, and I do then tell people the story. So far, no one has run off and I have the opportunity to educate people (esp. women) on pre-eclampsia which I feel is so important. But I like the idea of answering, "Yes, I have a son in heaven." It reminds me that he is with the best Parent of all. I am going to say it from now on. Thanks!

Anika (32, severe pre-e)
Mommy's Angel Boy: Isaiah (1/20/04 - 2/17/04)
Born at 28 weeks 1 day gestation weighing 610 grams

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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby angelkat » Wed Mar 17, 2004 12:22 am

I tell them I have two boys here on earth and one little girl in heaven. Usually when I say that, they tend to stop asking questions...


Mommy to
Ky (11)
~i~ Katlyne(12/9/02-04/02/03) and little bud (Due 09/11/04) ... N=79068509

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julie f
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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby julie f » Wed Mar 17, 2004 12:19 am


What should be a simple/small talk question, "Do you have any children?" still makes my heart drop.

I will never forget the 1st time someone asked me (he was a friend of a friend's Mom and was just making small talk to pass the time, it was about 2 months after Zach died) and I said yes, he asked how old. I was frozen, I had no idea what to say. So, I proceeded to say that he passed away in July and that he was born early because preeclampsia and then died five days later... I couldn't stop talking, although I still did not know what to say. By the time I finished, I was in tears and this poor stranger was in shock and couldn't get away from me fast enough. I spent the entire rest of the day wondering if I said the right thing, did my story honor my son, how can I go through that everytime someone asks, etc. I felt horrible. I felt as though if I said I didn't have any children then I would be betraying my son but, that if I tried to say yes and explain then it would not do him justice. I am very guarded with his memory and am uneasy to share it with someone when I think that it will just be a passing comment to them - I want them to truly understand how much his life and preeclampsia have affected me. Of course, it is impossible for anyone who has not been through it to really understand though.

I have given this issue a lot of thought and here is what I now do when that question comes up. I basically say whatever I feel I can handle at the moment. Usually, if it is a complete stranger, then I say no. I have gotten over the incredible guilt that I first felt. My son knows how much I love him and that he is the best thing that ever happened to me. To all others (sometimes even strangers if I am in the right environment), I say that I do have a son. If they inquire further, then I tell them that he passed away as a result of prematurity from preeclampsia.

For me this was such a hard issue to deal with. I felt horrible no matter what I said because the question only threw right back in my face the fact that I do have a baby but, he's in God's care and not mine. I hope that in time, no matter who asks, I am able to say yes, I do have a son and not worry about their response or their reaction. But for now, I can only say that when I feel that I'm in a "safe" environment.

The only advice I can offer you is to do what you feel comfortable. Goodness knows it is hard enough just surviving right now. Your daughter knows your immense love for her and that she is forever in your heart and life.

I think I just babbled more than answered your question... But, I hope it helps to know that you're not alone. My prayers are with you.

Julie (27)
Zachary James, 7/22/03-7/27/03, born at 26wks - severe pe

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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby josiah1112 » Wed Mar 17, 2004 12:18 am

Hi Tonja,

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I answer that one depending on
how deep I want to get and with who. Sometimes I say that I have an
angel and I then tell them about my son. Other times I just
say no and let the conversation drop. I can't stand it when some
people insist on, "why not?" [}:)]

Gloria mom to Josiah 11/12/03- 12/4/03 @ 26wks pre e

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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby lisac » Wed Mar 17, 2004 12:13 am

Hi Tonja,

I guess for me it just depends on who the person is that I'm speaking with. If it's a passing conversation w/a stranger, I'd probably just say, "no children yet." But when we were having our taxes done and the accountant asked how the last year had been, we told her what had happened. About one month ago I was at a store and a woman with a newborn baby girl was telling the cashier that her baby had a twin sister who died at 24wks. That was an instance when I began a discussion w/this complete stranger, and we bonded instantly. So I guess it depends.
If I'm making friends with anybody new who wants to know me then I would absolutely tell them. I couldn't possibly begin a genuine friendship with somebody if that information wasn't shared. If they can't handle it, I probably wouldn't want to be their friend.

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Re : So, what do you say........?

Postby mada » Wed Mar 17, 2004 10:57 am

That is a really tough one. I absolutley understand wanting to honor and include your daughter in a response to that question. MAybe something like "I had a beautiful daughter who passed and am looking forward to having more children." Something like that....I am sorry for your loss too. I can't imagine how it feels, and if you are trying again I wish you all the best!! Mada

Mada Harpster

Sam 6-29-00 36weeks P.E.
Ben 11-03-01 No P.E.

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