Deep depression

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
elainej9
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Re : Deep depression

Postby elainej9 » Sun Oct 21, 2007 09:46 pm

Amber you are a wonderful friend, and especially good for her knowing you have gone through pain too. Its hard to watch your friend go through all this, but we know you can't help her until she is ready. I think Jill's idea was really good - sending a letter, card or even giving her a book. That way she can read it when she's ready and at her pace. She'll need you eventually and I know you'll be there to catch her...

froggie89
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Re : Deep depression

Postby froggie89 » Fri Oct 19, 2007 02:29 pm

Amber,

What a great, caring and wonderful friend you are! I agree that you should keep being there for her - whether it's sending a card, calling her, going for a walk, etc... You might not feel like it's helping but you'd be suprised how the little things mean the most when you're down. She'll come around in her own time - like others have said we all grieve differently. Just keep being her friend and letting her know you're there. Hang in there yourself and know we're always here for you.

joker
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Re : Deep depression

Postby joker » Wed Oct 17, 2007 11:46 am

She's got a good friend looking out for her. Is there a local SHARE meeting where you live? Maybe you could both go together. the hospital I delivered at offers a pregnancy and infant loss support group that I go to once a month. It has really helped me to be able to share my grief with others who are also going through it. Maybe she would be willing to go to a group type setting. Sometimes it can be really scary to admit you need help. Just keep talking to her...maybe sharing your own grief will help her. Or, if she really won't respond to talking, sometimes just the small things count, like cooking dinner for her, cleaning, laundry, etc. For myself, it was too much to get off the couch for the first 6 weeks, and my friends and family basically did all the household chores for me. Just remember, anything you do will help her.

annes
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Re : Deep depression

Postby annes » Wed Oct 17, 2007 09:27 am

She is so lucky to have a friend like you. I know that for about a year after Griffin died, I just could not socialize I felt like, as my husband put it so baldly, who wants to be around the people whose kid just died. I did not want to see anyone, because I did not want people to feel sorry for us, it made me (still does) ill to think that people were pitying us. We only attended things that we had to. Maybe she is just disconnecting because that is the way for her to get through this. I would just continue to do what you are doing, checking in on her, and reminding her that her friends are around and giving her a hand with her daughter. Good luck.

for faith
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Re : Deep depression

Postby for faith » Tue Oct 16, 2007 07:28 pm

So glad that you are there for your friend, even if she isn't ready. I agree people grieve differently and deal with things at different paces. I had a very hard time discussing my daughter and my loss with anyone (even my closest friends & family), it just hurt too bad.

You may want to write her a letter, letting her know you are here and understand, maybe give her a book (there are so many good ones) and just be there to help with dinners and things with her daughter. Several people did these for me and it was really touching. Let her sit with that for a while and I bet she will reach out to you. Take care, wishing both of you the best. Hugs.

fiona
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Re : Deep depression

Postby fiona » Tue Oct 16, 2007 07:03 pm

Yes, I think you just have to try to be there for her if and when she needs you. We all grieve differently and talking it out isn't for everyone. I remember after Nate died, guarding my experience and his short life very jealously. I remember all sorts of people - some friends, some aquaintances- seeming to think that my loss gave them an opening to talk about theirs or someone else's they knew or had heard about. I resisted this very stongly because I did not want to compare tragedies - and I wasn't ready to empathise with others' grief. I was in my own misery and I needed to stay there for a while.

I'm not for a moment suggesting you are projecting anything but care and love towards your friend, just that a couple of months on from such an experience is nothing and, to me at least, depression at that stage is a natural reaction.

Just be there for her and when she's ready, she'll reach for you.

lisainnj
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Re : Deep depression

Postby lisainnj » Tue Oct 16, 2007 06:30 pm

I think the best you can do is reach out to her - it doesn't sound like she'll be doing it herself. But she knows that you are one of the few who knows what it is like to lose a child, even if she doesn't want to talk about it. So ask her for coffee, or to bring her daughter over to play with Brianna, or to go to the playground with the two of you (if you're not going to see babies there) or to go for a walk or a run with you. Sunlight and exercise will be good for her - try not to be too obviously therapeutic about it, though she's likely to think so anyway. It's only been a couple months, hasn't it? Her grief and pain will be so raw, and she's coming up on the due date - just breathing is an achievement.

jana m
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Re : Deep depression

Postby jana m » Tue Oct 16, 2007 04:35 pm

Amber,
I'm not a mental health professional, but I do know it's hard to talk someone into getting help if they are not ready. It sounds like maybe the best thing you can do for your friend right now is just to continue to be there for her. When she finally is ready to talk, cry, break down, scream, whatever...it will help to have your shoulder to cry on.

What a wonderful friend you are to be so concerned. Keep your eye on her and her family. They are lucky to have you looking out for them.

sckitzo
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Location: Cedar Rapids Iowa

Deep depression

Postby sckitzo » Tue Oct 16, 2007 12:41 am

First and formost I want to thank everyone on this forum, for all your support and advise. You have really helped so much. I know that I don't reply to alot because it still hurts so much, but I am trying to ween myself from the one always getting the support to the person who can give it back.

So now to my post. A while back I posted about my friend who was carring a girl with turners and she was stillborn at 24? weeks. She now is going into a deep depression and I don't know how to help her. She does not and won't talk about her daughter, and act's like it is no big deal. But she has started smoking and drinking, and has become very anti social, She used to host parties weekly. I do know what she is going through but I talked to anyone who would listen (or not but would talk anyway. I try to comfort her, but it doesn't help. I think if I metioned any kind or consouling she would just be offened. Her Husband has asked me to help as I have been through a simular situation, he is at a loss to. He has been depressed to but not like her. Any suggestions. I hate to just watch her self destuct like this. She also has a 1 1/2 year old daugther, and I have just seen her disconnect from her also. I definatly don't want her to see her mother go through this. Any suggestions would help.


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