3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby josiah1112 » Sat Oct 06, 2007 07:38 am

I'm so sorry for all you are going through.I am also a teacher and I ended up not going back to teaching for the rest of that school year following my loss.I work with pre-k aged children so to me it would have been facing what my son would never grow up to be(a pre schooler). 3 weeks is a really short time...your are just finding your new normal but it is so painful and raw...
I so wish I could give you back your baby.Sometimes I used to awake in the morning and hope that my hellish preeclampsia/prematurity experience had been a nightmare and that everything would be back to normal.

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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby imemc3 » Fri Oct 05, 2007 06:05 pm

Reading your post sounds if I was typing it. It was just like it was yesterday when I lost Emily. Do I ever feel the pain. Oh honey I do understand. I am a teacher and it is hard for me to see pregnant teachers. We were also lucky to get pregnant with Emily. Currently I am taking Clomid so we pray that this will work. Your period will come back soon. Mine returned within a month or so. I am feeling all the same fears and we are not alone. We share pain with so many peers here at the forum. We have so much support here. I am praying for you. We are missing our precious angels together. With loving thoughts and prayers.

for faith
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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby for faith » Fri Oct 05, 2007 01:16 pm

Oh, just had to post again after reading all the posts. I hate PE!!!! I am so, so sad when I hear about new babies lost due to this. This is such a hard journey to take....but I am so glad there is this forum, it has helped me over the years and I hope it does you all too. I so remember being in your place thinking about when would I be myself again, about being pregnant again. Wishing you all so much peace. Take care,

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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby lillynicole081307 » Fri Oct 05, 2007 09:54 am

Su, we can really be our own worst enemies. The questions that we will never have the answers to because no ones knows them. The reason it happened to us, there is not one. My husband says, "Shannan bad things happen every day to good people. Its just life and sometimes it really sucks." Not the words of Confusious, but for me, its the truth. No rhym, no reason.

I soooo understand the whole, finding out you were pregnant and not being the parent who cries out in joy. Lord, do I get that. Rob and I were like, if it happens, it happens, if not.....its not like we really wanted children. Then you get pregnant, and your like, no way? really? are you sure? I remember that morning, we were both like," OK, we cant go back now." I was kinda upset that our life was over and now we were going to change everything. But, it changed us. We found out it was a girl, Daddys little girl, and my husband cried before I did. Talk about feeling like crap. I was just still so unsure and scared to death. Im 35 so I just knew the baby was going to be sick with Downs or something terrilbe. I was high risk, ha ha, now Im high risk. They took Lilly, at 22 weeks. I had eclampsia, seizures and all. She never had a chance.

So now, just about 2 months later, I dont understand who I am. I am my own worst enemy. I screwed this up, its my fault, I will never be able to give Rob his little girl, I shoulda done this, I coulda done that, doc says 60% chance it'll happen again, 60% chance!! But, I would do it all again in a heartbeat, scary as it all is. I will do it all again, God willing. Six months, the same exact month I concieved, March. Although, my head tells me...is the date the Lords way of giving me the green light or the red light? I am my own worst ememy. So I have convienced myself, to wait til June.

Su, we are all in this battle together. We have all been there. The other night I said to myself, "I am a parent, but my daughter had to die to save her Mommy." I am my own worst ememy, but my to my daughter, I am a hero, and a survivor. We are all heros and surviors. I love all these women I will probably never meet, as they help me, we will also help you. Just keep posting and taking it one day at a time. It does get better.

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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby joker » Thu Oct 04, 2007 12:01 am

Please do not beat yourself up, I think it is completely normal to feel a little bit scared and unsure when you first find out you are pregnant. I know I did, and I still feel guilty about it, but then I just tell myself that I wouldn't be in so much pain if I didn't really want Abby and love her.

It's been 14 weeks for me and I am just taking it one day at a time. Some days I feel good and find myself smiling and then other days I just feel extremely sad and depressed. It is what it is, and I don't think normal really exists anymore.

Wishing you lots of love.

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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby froggie89 » Tue Oct 02, 2007 03:01 pm

Your grief and loss are still so new and raw. I'm so amazed at your strength to be going back to work. I know how hard that can be. Be easy on yourself right now and do what you need to do to make it through each day. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. One day might be better than the day before or the day after. But it will get better in time. I didn't think I would ever feel "normal" again. It's a new "normal" for me though because I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago. I didn't think I'd ever stop crying - especially when I found myself alone in a room. But it did happen it just took time.

If you need to talk or vent you can email me if you need a shoulder! I'm sending you tons of hugs and thoughts. Take care and know that we're here for you.

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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby fiona » Mon Oct 01, 2007 10:55 pm


I think the fact you are even trying to go about your life three weeks later is amazing. It's okay to be sad, it's okay to shut the door and unplug the phone. It's okay to grieve. And I don't know when you will 'be better' because there may always be times when you are brought right back to the moment you knew all was lost.

I cried through Aliens 3 not long after Nate died because I identified with the monster losing its offspring. Our reference points are wired to a different frequency now.

Many hugs and hopes that offloading here is helping you through.

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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby adbellamy03 » Mon Oct 01, 2007 10:16 pm

Your post could have easily been typed by me. I can still remember those 1,2,3,4,5,6 week marks and each week seemed to get worse instead of better. I spent the entire summer from June 12th up thru now crying just about everyday. Not the tears streaking down my face crying, but the snot pouring out of my nose crying. Crying so hard and so much I ended up w/ a terrible headache, jawache. No one that I know wants to talk about Megan, what can they say? Sorry, this happened to you, etc..... so I just hold it all in and explode in the shower or on my grief site. I know you feel lonely, like your heart is going to pop out of your chest, like your heart is literally being into pieces. Just thinking about my expierence brings that heavy "weight" onto my chest, you feel like you just want to die. The pain would go away and you could hold your baby.

I feel for your friend, because it was not easy for her to tell you she is pregnant. One of my friends had a baby the same time I had Kendall in 2004, after 10 days he died. When I got pregnant w/ Megan I couldn't tell her. I waited so long that someone else told her before I could and then I felt even worse. I just didn't want to hurt her, I thought I knew how she would feel. In a way I did, but I never knew the extreme pain that she was in after her son died. It is not easy and I have come to find out that honestly no one can help me thru this. It is a sad, lonely, long journey I must do thru on my own in hopes that my child that has died will know how much I loved her and how so very sorry I am that I got so sick. It is so easy to blame yourself and I did go thru that, still do to some degree, but I have started placing the blame on other people now, my doctors, my husband. I think once the initial shock of what has happened wears off you are able to focus a little more on the big picture, not just on the loss of your child. I am not quite sure I can explain that further, it is something you sort of go thru. No one knows YOUR pain but you and even though my friend is always there to listen to me talk about Megan her situation is not the same as me and her pain is neither more or less than mine, but it does belong to me and I have to own it and put on my happy face so everyone "pretends" that I am okay.

I am counting down the days, in 10 more days it is her due date although I know in my heart she would have arrived a few weeks early, but her due date is so important and significant to me, but not really to anyone else around me. THAT day my world will stop and my heart will break all over again and I will remember her like no one else can ever remember her, I am her mother. Her little face and legs and feet will forever be imprinted on my heart and my mind and I will NEVER forget her, though others will. She is not real to them, they never saw her, held her, watch her struggle for her life, then die.

My therapist told me a few weeks back that I needed to stop being so hard on myself, needed to allow myself whatever I needed......not talking to other people, not calling people back, not doing a lot of things I just didn't want to. It was the best advice that anyone has given me. I can only do what I can do, not pushing myself to do what everyone else "thinks" I should be doing. I think you have to allow yourself some time to think about Mira and love her and mourn for her. It has been almost 4 months since I lost Megan and I think the pain lessens a little, but when I really allow myself to focus on what has happened and that I have actually lost my baby it comes crashing back in my face. There are reminders everywhere I look, babies....babies....babies and there is just nothing that will ever change that. I do feel like I am able to focus on my pain and ache more than in those first few weeks. I was a wreck. My milk came in, I couldn't move very good, I was cut from hip to hip, I was bleeding, I was dying inside. It is not easy to continue living when you just want to stop and have a breakdown, but if I need to have a breakdown I HAVE IT! It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, I have to allow myself that time or I think I would do something crazy. Please, Please find someone that can support your stage of grief right now, someone that can relate to what you are feeling, someone who has lost a baby like you, had to make a decision that was the hardest decision of your life. I still feel like if I could have waited I could have saved Megan's life, I would have died for her, despite having 2 other children, but I would do the same for them also.

I want you to know that I AM HERE FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME! I am thinking about you and sending you a big hug!


for faith
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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby for faith » Mon Oct 01, 2007 07:18 pm

Thinking of you.....it is hard, so hard and so new for you. It does get better, but I agree life isn't same, for me, I think of it as a new normal, but it took quite a bit of time to get there. Faith will be a part of my life and now I try to focus on how she made my life better, but it is still hard.....hugs to you.

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Re : 3 weeks ago today (sort of long sorry)

Postby kris21225 » Mon Oct 01, 2007 04:12 pm

Don't be so hard on yourself. Three weeks is a tiny amount of time. And all of our babies know how much we love and miss them. I gave up expecting to feel like myself again. I think once you loose a baby, you are a different person. You know a dark side of life that not everyone knows. You know a big, bad, deep pain that not everyone will be able to understand. You'll go on and things will get better eventually, but, at least in my experience, life isn't the same. Try to be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much too soon.

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