Re : my story is really long
Posted: Thu Oct 17, 637991 10:11 am
Oh hon, I'm soo sorry for your loss and all that you went through. I'll be thinking of you and Emily and hoping that the days ahead are peaceful for you. We're here for you if you need us. Sending you big hugs.
my story is really long
Posted: Thu Oct 17, 637991 1:35 am
This time last year I was pregnant with Emily. She was still alive. She was still all hope and possibilities. I thought I knew then how hard life could be. I thought I knew loss and hurt. Now I know that I had no idea. I feel like I'm standing on tracks waiting for the 26th of this month to hit me like a train. It's coming closer everyday and there's no stopping it.
On September 25th I went in for my ob checkup. I was 19wks. The doc looks for the h/b and can't find it. He goes and gets the office sono, but I'm not terribly concerned because my first daughter was tough to find a lot of the time. I was mostly trying to figure out how to get through the day. The next day was the sonogram to tell us the sex of the baby, that was all I was thinking about. But the longer he looked, I realized something was wrong and I heard him take that breath. The one people take to tell someone something bad. He tells me he can't find the h/b beat and that it doesn't look good. Is there anyone here with me? I told him no and was surprised at how well I was taking it. But it just took that long for my brain to process what he was saying. There was no baby coming anymore. This big, happy secret that my husband and I had been keeping from almost everybody was gone.
The doctor had to call my husband because I couldn't stop crying long enough to do it myself. I waited in the doctor's office for my husband and had reached a point of numb where the tears keep coming but I was sort of calm. I think I was in shock. Then my husband came in and hugged me saying that everything was ok and we'd do whatever the doctor said we had to do and I realized the doctor had just told him to come, but not why. So I had to tell him. He didn't cry but got a very far away look in his eyes and kept hugging me. Then the doc came in and sent us to the hospital for another sonogram and told us to come back afterwards. The hospital sono confirmed his and when we went back he told us that it was a girl who had stopped growing at about 17wks. He explained that I could either go home with drugs to induce me and go the following morning to another hospital where they would do a D&C or I could come back and be induced at my regular hospital and deliver.
I won't go into the whole day, but it was filled with me and my husband taking turns being calm so that the other could have a break down, calling and making arrangements for my daughter's funeral, and me walking around half of the time wishing I could just get it over with and the other half not wanting to let her leave me.
I didn't think that we would sleep that night and we didn't very much, but exhaustion doesn't give much choice. At about 5 am, my phone rings and it's the hospital. The conversation goes like this:
Nurse: Hi, you're scheduled for an induction today?
Nurse: We'll we're going to have to ask you to come in later.
Me: When? Will you call? Should I call my doctor?
Nurse: Well, I'm not sure. We're very busy and it might have to be tomorrow. Why are you being induced?
Me: My baby died.
Nurse: You're last baby?
Me: No, this one.
Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry that wasn't written on your chart. Come in. We'll make room for you.
I hung up the phone and started crying all over again.
The hospital was a horror story that I'll keep short. We were stuck in an extra room that people kept coming into to get things. My doc wasn't on call so I kept getting different ones giving me my cervadil and pitocin. They kept knocking me out with Staydol. I woke up once and asked my husband to help me to the bathroom. When I stood there was blood all over me and I had to have my husband call the nurse while I tried to get back in the bed. They were trying to leave us alone, but they stopped checking on my progress because they were busy and when I stood... you get the idea. So the nurse comes, calls which ever doc is around and before the doc gets there I delivered my daughter into bedpan.
I told you it was horrible, but it gets worse. I'll leave out the worst parts. So all of a sudden there's a bunch of people. THe doc wants to check to make sure everything came out, but the bed only had one stirrup and could I just hold my one leg up, scoot down and tilt my hips? Being mostly unconcious, I couldn't. Once they finally find another stirrup and hook it up, the doc starts scraping around because she can see that there's stuff there. Well that hurt and she asked if it did. I told her and she said we'd have to do a D&C anyway.
There was an argument because I'd had half of a turkey sandwich and they didn't want to put me to sleep. So they gave me a twilight and it was so bizzare to be half unconcious, catching pieces of conversation about what people were doing that weekend and stuff while I felt like my life was ending.
Eventually, I was back in the room and got a chance to see and hold my daughter. I finally had some peace. Until the nurse came in said we had a choice to be moved to another floor or to leave. She then explained that if we choose the other floor we'd still have to leave our daughter behind. So we decided to leave. I'd already filled out all of the papers saying that we didn't want to donate her little body, I didn't want an autopsy and the funeral home would come to get her. So, I got a few prescriptions and we were sent on our way. At about midnight my husband and I walked out of the hospital. I didn't even get a wheelchair.
There's more but it's exhausting to write all of this. I didn't think it would be. So if you read all the way to here, thanks for letting me share. I wish I could have been eloquent, but it wasn't really an eloquent experience, I guess.