a little angry (bit long)

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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby elainej9 » Wed Sep 05, 2007 10:30 pm

I can't get into those details either with my Mum. I'm not sure if its because I want to protect her by not seeing too much of my pain...but sometimes its just because she can't understand...only those like us can. I still go to the grave almost everyday (I'd see her everyday if she was here anyway), her photos are up in the house and at my desk at work...I need to see her, she was here. We do what we need to do...for us...not for everyone else...you are doing fine...if you don't want to do anything on the 26th don't...we didn't....just take it as it comes...

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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby froggie89 » Wed Sep 05, 2007 09:43 pm

Just wanted to echo the ladies in that we each grieve differently. You have to do what you feel is right for you and not worry about how others think you should or shouldn't grieve. What works for one doesn't work for someone else. I'll be keeping you in thoughts and sending you lots of hugs...

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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby for faith » Wed Aug 29, 2007 04:54 pm

I so agree with everyone, just wanted to say thinking of you & Emily, especially on the 26th. Take care,

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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby daltonsmommy » Wed Aug 29, 2007 01:06 pm

I think the advice everyone has given is great I just wanted to chime in. I think a lot of the older generations like to sweep things under the rug and pretend like they didn't happen. In our house we have a place especially reserved for Dalton. We had a portrait done of him. We also have his ashes and stuffed animals. For every holiday I buy something to put in his space. He also has a stocking for Christmas. I have chosen to include him because he is a part of the family even though he isn't here. As for the older generations my grandma lost a baby. I'm not even sure when or what happened because no one ever talks about it. I think they like to pretend like it didn't happen. As for your mom I think you need to tell her bluntly that you had a baby. He may not be here but will always be a part of your life and your family.


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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby annes » Wed Aug 29, 2007 11:23 am

Grief is a really individual thing, and you are the only one who knows what you need to do to get through. I agree with you that I would never want to get to a place where the loss did not hurt anymore, I cannot imagine being there. Take care of yourself on the 26th, my experience was that the weeks and days leading to Griffin's birthday were much harder than the day itself, that was rather peaceful. Good luck, take care of yourself.

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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby julie f » Wed Aug 29, 2007 03:12 am

I used to think I knew how a person "should" grieve, until I experienced grief myself...

I think times were quite different back then. My best friend's mother lost an infant and she had much the same advice. She wasn't being insensitive, just matter-of-fact as well.

Thinking of you,

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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby lisainnj » Tue Aug 28, 2007 09:58 am

My mom can be insensitive too and Francesca's dates don't mean anything to her but at least she never tells me I'm grieving too much or have to get on with life. You are being so strong and capable taking care of your family and you sound like you can be happy about your blessings. So missing Emily always makes sense and it isn't wrong or abnormal or dysfunctional. The first angel day is bound to be hard.

We let down our guard with people who are close to us, and I'm getting to the point where when one of them is insensitive, I just think "shield time" and don't let it get in too deep, most of the time. Sounds like your mom loves you a lot, but she isn't perfect. Like all of us.


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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby lucy » Tue Aug 28, 2007 00:36 am

I started to type a reply but realized I would mostly be repeating what the other ladies said as they gave you great advice so I just wanted to send many hugs.

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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby rosemary » Mon Aug 27, 2007 11:25 pm

I do think that we all grieve differently and I think it's a natural assumption to think that every Mom who has lost a child feels the same way. Perhaps as a parent, your Mom has a really hard time seeing you in pain from your loss?

I do understand about not wanting to let go of the pain completely. I remember thinking if I didn't feel sad everyday, it was like I was forgetting about Elliott or that his little life didn't matter. I remember the first time I really laughed after I lost him, and it literally unnerved me to the point that I cried. I thought to myself, how could I laugh? I lost a child.

We all have to find our way of dealing with the grief and somehow mixing that in with everyday life. What was 'normal' before, isn't normal anymore. We all have to find that new normal. When I look back at my loss, I feel like life got divided in half that day, the before and the after. All you can do is the best that you can, it's all any of us can ask of ourselves.

Hang in there...and keep doing the things that bring peace and healing to your heart.

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Re : a little angry (bit long)

Postby kris21225 » Mon Aug 27, 2007 07:36 pm

I wonder sometimes if the difference is that she doesn't have a grave for the baby she lost. I've never been given all the details, but if there was a grave, someone would've have told me about it by now. I feel like tending Emily's grave is the only way I have to take care of her here. I had a teacher once who told us that on nice sunday afternoons, she'd take a book and a folding chair to her mom's grave just to be able to spend the day with her mom in some way. That was in the fifth grade and I still remember and I thought that's beautiful. I never have to the time to really spend time at my daughter's grave, but I do take care of her. I will never stop either. When I'm too old, I actually plan on having one of my other children do it. Maybe that is weird, but I don't care.
Jenny-It's frightening that my mom's not the only one who does this
Elaine-I'm not sure if I told you this before, but my grandmother's name is Elaine. That is too weird. I know your baby's angel day is coming too. I hope you can find some peace on that day. I hope we both can. They're probably up there running heaven, flying way too fast, having such a good time that they can't understand why we're sad.

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