Why I HATE coming to this site

A place for those bereaved to receive and offer support
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby froggie89 » Thu Mar 08, 2007 04:57 pm

I too think your idea is wonderful! Hugs and thoughts to you...

for faith
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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby for faith » Mon Mar 05, 2007 12:33 am

Regarding miscarriage - I do understand your feelings, I had a miscarriage at 11wks before I lost my daughter, I had a D&C and at the time it was a devastating experience, and it was but.....unfortunately I came to know what devastating really was with the loss of my daughter :(

Regarding your Synagogue - Wow, that would be incredible to do. How sad that be the way things are after a loss of a child. My daughter lived 25 days, guess that wasn't long enough in their eyes, how sad (a loss of a child is a loss of a child no matter what). That would be totally wonderful to do work to possible fix this, what a gift you could give to other families. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby mada » Mon Mar 05, 2007 10:25 am

I think that is a wonderful idea!! I think giving women a chance to properly grieve and have their babies recognized in your synagogue would be such an amazing gift you could give to other women...even beyond your synagogue. I think it's very lovely of you to be thinking of others at such a diificult time in your life...many hugs and let us know what happnes.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby quintain » Mon Mar 05, 2007 10:13 am

Shortly after my twins died, I resigned from the synagogue I had belonged to for many years. Long talks with the rabbi made it clear to me that there was no ceremony, no religiously authorized period of mourning, basically nothing for a baby who had died before living 30 days (that's the "magic" number, when all the religious rituals apply).

Anyway, I've been thinking that maybe I've been too hasty and too accepting of what I've been told.

My synagogue practices reform Judaism, where many things that would completely contradict traditional Jewish law are practiced and embraced (for example, same-sex marriage; driving to synagogue on the Sabbath; men and women sitting next to one another at services; women reading to the congregation from the Torah)

Maybe I've been too hasty in giving up. And I've been thinking that maybe I should do whatever I can to try to change the situation for women in my position.

While it's probably too late to help me, no woman who has lost a baby should have to be told that her religion offers neither love, nor light, nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby shannons » Fri Feb 16, 2007 02:48 am

When I lost my baby and was still pregnant with his twin, people were so odd. They would say dumb things like, "At least you still have the other one". As if that would help me feel better? Other people wouldn't acknowledge it at all. My husband's sister had lost two babies (although later than mine) and I really was looking to her to give me advice or at least a hug or some sympathy the weekend we visited home after our loss. But I got nothing. She didn't even really speak to me. I was crushed. Her losses were like 15 years before mine and she had three healthy girls. I figured I could count on her and she really let me down. Lots of people let me down and they didn't even know it. I expected a huge outpouring of support from my family and friends and just didn't get it. My parents were there for us. A friend from church cried when she offered her condolences and that meant more to me than anything anybody else said or did. I don't remember a thing she said, only that she cried. Another woman from church sent a card - the only one I got. I put it in Ethan's baby book.

And yet, as much as I miss that child's presence in my life, when I think of myself as a mother, just on the spur of the moment, without really thinking about it, I think of myself as a mother of one, not two. When I was doing my profile, I really had to think hard about whether to say I was trying for #2 or #3. I didn't know. When someone asks me if Ethan is my only child, I say yes. So, I think it's (I don't want to say "normal") "common" to feel a difference between your two situations in loss. When I read the stories of women who had stillbirths here, it seems so far-removed from my experience that I almost grieve more for them than for my own loss. In fact, I think I DO grieve more for them. Grief and loss are very strange things. God did not create us with the intention that we would ever have to deal with death - that's why it's so hard and so strange for us. I have to remind myself and I think it's very important to remember that we're not alone. God has not only lost His son before, he grieves every time one of us loses a child too. They're His children too.

p.s. About naming - I didn't intend to name my first twin, but one night I had a dream a few months after Ethan was born that I had both my boys and I remember knowing in my dream that the baby's name was Ishmael. Thinking of the Biblical Ishmael, I thought when I woke up that it was a terrible name, but the more I thought about it, the more it was okay and I finally told DH and we decided that was what we would "name" him. I don't know if God gave me this dream, but it really helped me make peace with the fact that I had another baby and he was real. Maybe God has a dream for you, too. I pray that He will give you just what you need to get thru this.

Sending much love and hugs your way... and my tears for your children...

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby mrs.magdaleno » Thu Feb 15, 2007 06:42 pm

I am so sorry you are in such pain. There was a time when I couldn't come on here either. The sorrow that everyone felt was just too much for me to bear on top of my own. Fortunately, for me, I have been able to heal with therapy. I don't know what else to say just that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby cindync » Mon Feb 12, 2007 04:20 pm

I had a miscarriage, well actually a "missed miscarriage" and needed a d&c at 8 weeks. It was sometime in 2001, maybe March that it happened. I moved on so fast, never even thought about it, maybe because I had the d&c it was not painful physically, therefore not emotionally. It honestly did not phase me at all, and it was a very much wanted pregnancy because it was after 8 months of trying as well. I also had a friend who lost twin boys at 22 weeks right about the same time. TO ME (and this was to ME) a miscarriage, especailly that early, was not even remotely the same as what she went through. Her boys lived a few minutes, I can not even imagine the horror of that.

I have not ever had a stillbirth, so I know what you ladies are talking about is not exactly the same. But sometimes I feel bad, like maybe there is something wrong with me because I did not mourn the loss of that miscarriage.

I wish you all peace and happiness.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby annes » Mon Feb 12, 2007 02:18 pm

I also, do not feel the same about my miscarriage (14 weeks) as I do about Griffin, who was born at 25 weeks. The miscarriage was horrible, and I still think about that baby, but the grief is not the same for me. How horrible is it that any of us is in the position to have to compare one kind of grief of a lost child with another? I am so sorry that anyone else has ever had to do that[:(]

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby lalam17 » Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:08 am

I don't feel the same way about my miscarraige as I do about my son's death. I think that for me, a miscarrage is "natures way of weeding out major genetic problems." I still think that they are awful experiences to go through, and you lose a child, which is so sad, but easier to rationalize. My miscarrage was early in the pregnancy, so I had less time to bond. However, I did see an ultrasound of my baby--however, it was so small that it didn't look like much of anything. I know that most m/c's are because of genetic problems in the baby, so I didn't feel responsible. I consider that baby to be my "angel" since I don't know the sex, however, the grieving process was much easier. When my son died, it was because of my illness with PE/HELLP. He was a normal little boy in every way, and I feel responsible for his death because it was my illness that required him to be taken so prematurely. Also, I knew the sex, and felt him kick, and seen ultrasounds that looked like a baby, so I was fully bonded.

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Re : Why I HATE coming to this site

Postby timelessbeauty » Sun Feb 11, 2007 09:31 am

I admit I don't feel the same about the miscarriages I had compared to the stillbirth I experienced. My miscarriages were named as a way to cope at the time but I don't have a feeling about them like they were my children as I do for my son that I lost at 24 weeks as a stillborn due to PE and HELLP. My son is real because I was able to hold him after he was born, but because there wasn't anything tangible but a pregnancy test to show for my other losses, it just seems like a late cycle, I lost hope of a pregnancy rather than thinking I had actually lost a child.

Does this make sense?

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