anyone else feel doomed from the start?

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lisainnj
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby lisainnj » Wed Sep 27, 2006 01:51 pm

From very early on in this pregnancy when I closed my eyes or let my mind drift, I repeatedly had the image of holding a sword in both hands, in guard position. And sometimes when I felt horrible or hopeless, I'd turn the sword in toward the baby. "No, out," I'd think, and be on guard again.

I still am tearing myself up over agreeing to induce labor - even though I know had it been in my power we would not have had this disease together - that of course I wanted her to live - it's just so awful to have rejected whatever tiny chance she had. If we'd gotten has far as today, she would have only a bad chance.

annes
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby annes » Wed Sep 27, 2006 09:19 am

I'm jumping in here late because I wasn't going to reply, but have been thinking about what everyone has said, a lot. With my second pregnancy, I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks, at home. I had a terrible infection that they only found at the ER the morning of the day I miscarried. That pregnancy had been an "accident", but we were thrilled, but I did feel like something was wrong from the beginning. I felt terrible the whole pregnancy. With Griffin, it was so different, I had such a great feeling, the whole time. I felt great, even when we got the abnormal AFP and had to have an amnio. So what does all this mean? I don't know. But I am sure that we all loved these children and did everything we could for them during the brief time we had with them, and we continue to love them and they continue to be part of our lives. Hopefully, science will learn from all of our cases and our losses will help prevent other moms from going through the same.

froggie89
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby froggie89 » Tue Sep 26, 2006 09:03 pm

I had some light bleeding and pain at 7 weeks with Alexander and the ER doc said we had a threatened miscarriage. Once we got past the first trimester I thought we were okay. Little did I know another bump in the road was just a few weeks away. Looking back on it now, I think my body knew things weren't right.

I'm sorry for all that you're going through. Take care and be easy on yourself. Hugs to you.

lmc2677
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby lmc2677 » Mon Sep 25, 2006 06:56 pm

This is an interesting topic. I've often thought about some "feelings" I had. When we had the ultrasound at what I thought was 17 1/2 weeks, they told us we had a girl! But, they also said she was only 15 1/2 weeks in size. I said no, she was 17 1/2 weeks. I knew my cycles. I knew how far along she was. I knew her measurments were small.

I also knew it was odd when I wasn't really showing. People could not even tell I was pregnant, even at 5+ months. By 24 weeks, I was still not showing. And, I had only felt movement a handful of times. No major kicks. Nothing. It just didn't seem right in some way.

I remember at the 20 week OB appointment I asked for an ultrasound. I was not scheduled for one. My OB said no and then asked why I wanted one. I started to cry and said, "I just do." I often wonder now if in some way I KNEW that things were going downhill. Mother's instinct? Who knows?

I knew when I got the "flu" at 24 weeks it wasn't the flu. It was something else. When I went to the ER and they did an ultrasounds, I knew there would be a problem, even before they said, "We can't find a hearbeat." I just knew.

I try not to dwell on everything. Even if I did know things were bad, what could I have done? She must have been sick all along. I don't know. I don't think I could have done anything different.

Now, I am 6 weeks and already showing, but probably only I notice. I just "feel" pregnant this time. It's hard to explain. I also feel guilty for being excited and enjoying all of this. But, I know my daughter would want me to be happy. I just miss her so much.

robertmyangel
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby robertmyangel » Mon Sep 18, 2006 08:05 pm

Lisa,

I too won't say that i felt I was doomed from the start, but before I was pregnant with Robert I was very selfish, and I didn't want any children. As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I clung to him, he was my world. Even though we both felt totally different about our pregnancies, we both have lost a child and have delt with the pain that it endures. Please know that you are not alone, I wish you peace.

darcynulph
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby darcynulph » Sun Sep 17, 2006 06:03 pm

I totally understand. I just lost a baby two weeks ago at 12 weeks and felt very uncomfortable form the start, just like you said sick not pregnant. The only reason that I told people was because I was so sick with morning sickness and there was no hiding it. It is hard to explain, just an uneasy feeling just knowing it isn't going to be right. My family kept saying do you want a boy or girl and I couldn't even get to the point that I thought that I would even have the baby.

My point is you are not alone. Send me a private email if you would like to talk more.

gilma
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby gilma » Sun Sep 17, 2006 04:05 pm

Wow! my previous reply was really long..SORRY! It seems that was a much needed topic.

gilma
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby gilma » Sun Sep 17, 2006 04:02 pm

I definitely believe that our bodies let us know what's going on long before we're ready to listen. I've always wanted three children. (I mean in nursery school I had it all planned out[:)])Well, Luke made me rethink this plan. He was (and still is) a hand full and a half!! It was literally the week before I took the pregnancy test for Grayson that I told my husband I wanted him to get fixed.[;)] OOOPPS! Needless to say, after the shock wore off (approx 30seconds), I was elated!
The more I thought about it though things seemed odd. He was to be born in February not October like my other two (had it been planned we would have aimed for Oct). My long time doc was no longer w/the practice that delivered Iris and Luke and her new practice did not accept our insurance. (In order to see her we had to pay for everything ourselves). Also, because of this change we were going to have to deliver at a different hospital. I know all of these things seem insignificant but they were things I thought of often. Almost like some strange obsession.
With Iris and Luke I KNEW from the get go what their genders were and what I would name them. All of which came very naturally to me, as if it were meant to be. I couldn't feel what Grayson was. That's actually how he got his name! I decided he was a girl and named him Grace. The ultrasound showed different so he became Grayson! (still with an undecided first name.)
I never shopped for him...we would be out and I would look at things but nothing ever seemed like the right thing. To this day, that is something I wish were different. I have his stuff from the hospital but nothing his mommy picked for him special.
I was miserable the entire pregnancy. Often saying things like "I can't wait till this is over....I am so sick of getting up 20 times to go the bathroom...." (you know the usual complaints BUT WORSE!!!)
I had a premonition of my own demise. I even took steps to make sure my doc and husband knew what my wishes were. There was the dream about profuse bleeding. I actually brought that up at the appt I had the week before.
I too, have those regrets. That was one of the first things I whispered to my husband when they couldn't find his heartbeat. "Do you think he left us because he thought we really didn't want him?"
It has taken me 9 long months to be able to say for certain that my son knows how much he is loved and missed. Inspite of everything that we might have said or done in the months leading up to his death.
I try now to focus on the things that I did do for him: I took those nasty vitamins! I cut out all Sushi and Wine my two favorite food groups![:D] I shared Dave Matthews with him when it was just the two of us in the van just like I did for his sister and brother![8D] I LOVED him. No matter what my tricky little mind tries to remind me...I KNOW that I loved him and wanted him.
Try to remind yourself of those things. I know especially with it being so raw right now how difficult that can be. I believe with all of my heart that our angels know exactly how their mommmies feel about them. She's with you always. She will always be there to remind you how much you did actually let yourself have of her.

melissam
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby melissam » Sun Sep 17, 2006 01:13 pm

You know it is interesting that you should ask or post this. I think I knew from the very get go that there just wasn't something right with my pregnancy with Kelsi. I have never prayed so hard for a healthy baby and pregnancy...and I didn't really have any reason to believe that I should pray that hard. Even when I started to get bad news I was in denial about it or just "had enough faith" that things would still turn out well.

When I was getting further into the pregnancy and I just wasn't showing like I had with Riley I knew that something wasn't quite right. I would tell my doctors and husband that, they would run the tests and tell me things were fine. But they weren't. I delivered Kelsi at 24 weeks - but you couldn't even tell I was pregnant.

I do think that our bodies have a way of telling us that something isn't quite the way it should be.

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rosemary
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Re : anyone else feel doomed from the start?

Postby rosemary » Sun Sep 17, 2006 01:13 pm

Lisa...I am sorry that you are feeling this way, but I can say that I understand. When I found out that I was pregnant with Elliott, my fourth pregnancy, and only one live birth - I was convinced that I would have a miscarriage. I went for my first ultrasound (I think at about 10 weeks) and totally prepared for the worst. I remember saying to the technician...are you SURE that is a heartbeat? I called my bf and said...we're having a baby - he didn't quite understand my reaction - for me, it only became a reality at that very moment. After that, I still couldn't relax and just accept that everything would be okay...I kept waiting for the 'other shoe to drop'. I wouldn't tell my family - even my teenage daughter - and waited until I was four months pregnant to share the news. I had my 4th and final sonogram on 8/25/04 - and got a good report - the baby looked healthy and I finally accepted the fact that all was okay and that I was REALLY going to have a son. Just four days after that, I lost Elliott to PE/HELLP.

Our previous losses kind of jade us and we put up this wall to protect ourselves from the potential pain we might experience if things go wrong. I felt guilty too after losing Elliott..for many reasons, and one of them being the inability to be overjoyed and accepting of my pregnancy. How I felt was not unreasonable or crazy - I had suffered through the pain of two miscarriages - those were very real events that impacted my life in a very difficult way. With that, I had to learn to forgive myself and accept that how I handled things was pretty much a conditioned response.

Lisa - your precious Francesca knew that you loved her...and that you will always love her. Please be kind to yourself. I wish you peace, and if you ever want to talk, please drop me an e-mail.



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