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Re : Confusion

Postby atanya » Tue Sep 12, 637662 1:30 pm


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Re : Confusion

Postby keneke68 » Sat Sep 02, 637662 9:19 am

I think about the what ifs all the time. PE/HELLP hit me also like a freight train I was fine one min and the next I wasn't. The really sad thing is there were little signs before little warnings and the doctors all said oh your fine. I think the one that bothers me the most is we had lots of u/s with her and she was measuring small in the last couple of ones. I asked is that normal and they all said yes and kept saying oh your dates are probably wrong. I would chime in and say NO! I know exactly when I got pregnant she was IVF!!!. Then they would say oh she is just small she will catch up soon. And I would believe them. Well no she wasn't the diseases were already affecting her growth. I wonder if they would of interviened then would she still be here. They could of started me on meds then to hopefully slow it down. Would it of worked for i will never know. Also if they would of been able to do a c-sec on me would she of survived just going through birth was so hard on her. I play the what ifs on that one all the time. Also during her delivery she came out on her own no doctors were present. I was knocked out because I was panicking and they had me on an epidural so I couldn't feel anything. A nurse came in to check my monitor and I awoke and said something is wrong she lifted the covers and my Madison was there. I feel so guilty if I hadn't had the epidural maybe I would of know. If I hadn't been knocked out maybe I would of known. The thing that kills me the most is she could of been born alive and I will never know no one knows. It kills me everyday. No one was there to help her. Her mommie and no docor what so ever. I just wish I knew.

OMG the doctors sat there in front of me and said we can interrupt this pregnancy basically saying they were not going to give her a chance. I said absolutely not. I will give her a chance. But as you can see the doctors got there way they were not there so we will never know. I suffer from so much guilt. I just wish I had all the answers.

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Re : Confusion

Postby susan belisle » Sat Sep 02, 637662 3:57 am

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has shared there thought and stories in this thread. I have found much peace and comfort from your words. As I stuggle to find the right path for my future it is nice to see that my struggle is normal. That I do not walk the path of confussion alone. I do strggle with forgiveness. I feel as though I killed my children. Did I put a gun to there head and pull the tigger...NO. But I wanted them. I am a high risk pregnancy with a history of preeclamsia and cronic hypertention. I wanted two children. I knew the risk and took the chance. I believed that I could beat the desease. I believed that I could grow two healthy children in my body. I was wrong. Was it my fault no. Do I feel guilty for all of the pain and suffering that I have placed on my family and children. Yes. No one blames me...No one but me. I feel like a failure. No because anyone calls me that. But more on the lines of society. I don't have he 2.4 children that everyone else in America has. I don't fit the prefect mold that society has placed before me. So have I really failed myself or just the image of myself. Why do I even care about that and why is it so hard to change gears. These are my stuggles as am sure most of you are confronted with from time to time. But Again. Thank you all for being so open and honest. Just being able to share and listen is so very helpful though this grief process. You ladies are worth more to me then you can ever realize.

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Re : Confusion

Postby jacobdaniel » Fri Sep 01, 637662 10:31 pm

Thank you all so much for sharing with me. It helps. I hope in time I will be able to help others more. God bless.

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Re : Confusion

Postby julie f » Fri Sep 01, 637662 5:53 am

Like many of the others here, we too had to make such a horrible decision.

The doctors told us that not only had Zach's brain bleed progressed, but that he had suffered "nuerological devestation." He was also begining to suffer kidney failure. They told us that if he survived, his body would just exist, he would not really live. Dh and I made the decision to take him off of life support and we held him as his spirit went to heaven.

My memory of the week before his birth and the five days that we had him is very fuzzy. I sometimes wonder - was I thinking clearly, what if we would have waited, what if I missed something, why didn't I do this, etc. The big what-if for me - What if the doctors were wrong? What if he would have been fine? I swear, the what-ifs will kill you if you let them. We make the best decisions we can with all the information we're given. Most days now, I decide that I just can't look back anymore at the choices, that I just won't. Denial? I don't know, maybe. I think it's just survival. I think what Susan said it so true, we aren't really presented with much of a choice at all...

I pray for peace for you, for all of us.

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Re : Confusion

Postby princess purr » Tue Aug 22, 637662 4:59 pm

I also do the what ifs, what if Veronica would have stayed in longer. What if I wouldn't have told them about the flashing lights and head ache. The what ifs are so horrible :( (((HUGS)))

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Re : Confusion

Postby rosemary » Tue Aug 22, 637662 3:08 pm

PE/HELLP hit me like a freight train. One minute I was shopping for a few last minute things for my daughter's 16th birthday party, the next I couldn't see right and couldn't even dial a cell phone for help. Just a few hours after arriving at the hospital, I was told that I had to deliver my baby or I would die. I was told that at 20 weeks, he had no chance to survive. I was so sick that I vaugly remember much of what happened. Most of what I know, I learned from my family. I did what the doctors recommended and was put under to deliver.

When I woke up the next morning, my child was gone. I never saw his face, never held him. That is something that I will regret for the rest of my life and I still have a hard time dealing with.

The grief and especially the guilt that followed were crushing. I felt that I had failed my child, my body had failed him. It was my job to protect him, nourish him and bring him into the world. I couldn't do that. I wondered why God did this to me. I wondered what I did to deserve such punishment. At times, I wished that I would have passed with my child.

It took a very long time to accept the fact that the only choice I had was to live or die. Nothing that I did caused what happened and there was nothing I could have done to have saved my son. I can always look back and wish things were done differently, but now it's about accepting that I cannot change what has happened and that I did the very best that I could in a horrendous situation.

Finding peace in all of this is a journey...I hope that each of us find that.

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Re : Confusion

Postby raspbeari » Mon Aug 21, 637662 8:05 pm

I am doing the what ifs a lot lately, and can relate to what you are saying about regretting being so out of it, and now feeling guilt and trauma because I just went along with what the doctor's and nurses were telling me.
I even had signs something was wrong 5 weeks before I delivered, but have a lot of guilt about just going along with the docs, when maybe I could have done something to buy more time?
As a mother I don't know if I can ever stop wanting to save my son. I'm totally not at peace with it and it is driving me crazy.
I'm not sure why it is so hard lately. Mother's Day this year was the exact day I concieved last year, and now I am having flashbacks to last year, constantly remembering that at this time last year I had just found out I was pregnant and was so happy.
They say the first year is so hard, and now I am realizing just what that means. It is so dang hard, some days I'm not even sure how I am going to go on. I'm seriously depressed and feel so hopeless lately.
Then as I was getting the paper this morning a neighborhood girl stopped to talk with me, and my heart completely melted, and I felt a bit better.

Back to the what ifs, the guilt. Do you wallow in self hate like me too? I dunno, but at some point, probably any day now, I don't think I can continue doing this to myself. I can't go on like this much longer, and feel like I am going to kill myself with stress if I keep it up.

Forgiveness? We didn't do anything wrong, but it sure feels like it. Some may get angry at doctors, etc that made mistakes. Mostly I think all the anger is being kept inside and being directed at myself. The person I need to forgive is me.

Also I think with this grief, it is bringing up all my griefs for my whole life that were never dealt with. I hear that happens. I also have a lot from my past that is unresolved. My life at this time, isn't even close to the kind of life I want to be living. I think I may have focused on the wrong things most of my life, not really what is important.

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Re : Confusion

Postby melissam » Mon Aug 21, 637662 5:05 pm

So many of us have made the most diffuclt choice. I had the exact same "Symptoms" as you. We opted for a c-section. Kelsi lived for only 2 days on full life support. It was very obvious that she wasn't going to live and we made a decision and I asked the doctor to end life support.

The what-if's still run through my head. I think they always will. I sometimes think, was I just too sick to think straight? Did I make the wrong decision? Would she really have pulled through if I had made different decisions? The list goes on and on.

It is just like Susan said, sometimes, it just had to be. That is very difficult to come to terms with, and perhaps one day you will be able to.

I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I know it isn't easy. Many hugs.

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Re : Confusion

Postby miracle3 » Mon Aug 21, 637662 11:26 am

I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. You have had to make one of the hardest decisions a mother could ever make.

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