A broken heart

[keneke68]

Thank you all for your kind words. It is good to know that my feelings are ok and that I have you guys to ask questions and vent with. God bless you all!

[forlogan]

Denise,
WOW! Reading your story was like living mine all over again. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. You are NOT alone! I have walked in your shoes and you will make it through this.

I know right now it seems like your world is completely falling apart...it has and you need to grieve. No one can tell you how long it will last, but just give yourself time.

I am so sorry that you had to experience what so many of us have had to endure here. You are in the right place to express all your feelings and emotions. We are all here for you....you can talk openly and honestly and no one is here to judge you. I went through all the emotions that you talked about. I used to feel like the rest of the world didn't even care that I had just lost my precious son and in the meantime nearly died myself. I only wanted to be with my husband any my daughter. I didn't want to go anywhere or speak to anyone because it never failed that I would run into someone who would say "Oh did you have your baby? How wonderful." I would then need to go into explanation about what happened and try not to lose it at the same time.

Time does heal your wounds. I promise. I still cry for our son. I visit his grave and I talk to him. I walk around the house and talk to him. It's healing to me. I know he is with us. Your daughter will always be a part of your family. Your heart will heal, but will never be complete. You will be the same. Be kind and gentle with yourself right now. God bless you.

Sending you HUGE HUGS!!!

[hmoore]

Denise -
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby girl. I am so glad that you found this forum. I know that it has helped me with dealing with my grief. I lost my baby boy on 8/15/05 he was born still I was a little over 35 weeks. I am working though things but I do not think that anyone who has lost a child is ever the same again. I know that I am not and I do not expect that I ever will be. Your story sounds a lot like mine and it breaks my heart that anyone has to go through what we had to.
I have talked to my doctor about trying to have another child and she has given me hope. I to will have to take heprin shots when I have another child because I have factor V and I will have to take extra folic acid because I have MTHFR they thimk that these genes I have caused my PE. I was told there is a elevated chance that I will have PE again because I have had it before but I will be monitored so much they feel very strong that nothing like this will happen again, but you will never know for sure. You just have to have faith in god and the doctors and hope that everything works out this time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and good luck with everything if you ever need to talk feel free to slip me a e-mail.

[joymadelineanneangels]

Dear Denise,
I am so so sorry that you had to lose your precious baby girl. I don't come on this board too much anymore nor do I post that often but when I read your story, I felt like I was reading my own. It's not that often that I have found others who have not only lost a baby to pree but also had been dealing with years of infertility. My husband and I had been trying for 5 years before we got pg with triplets. At 21 wks. I trusted my instincts that something wasn't right. Only major symptom of pree was unbelievable swelling. I too had it severe along with hellp. I too had mag, induced labor, and was near death. I delivered my three beautiful little girls and cried and cried for them to start breathing...to come back alive. All I could think of was that these little girls died so I could survive and I just wanted to die with them. I went into shock in the middle of labor and they put me on sleeping pills, I was so dilusional, everytime I breathed I thought their cries were coming out of me... but I never spoke any last words to them, no words of comfort, no I love yous. I don't think I was really conscious of what was happening. It was so surreal and happening all way too fast. I feel guilty to this day for that. My firstborn actually survived labor but died on my chest. The silence in the room will forever be deafening in my ears. I saw her move and I asked if she was alive, no one said anything, just put a stethescope up to her heart. Later did I confirm with them that she indeed died on my chest. I'll never know of the same with my other two, I never thought to ask again, or maybe it was just easier not knowing.
The aftermath of their loss was worse, at least I had them in the hospital with me but walking out without them killed me. I had severe anxiety attacks, wanted nothing but sleep, depression, you name it. I would look at the clock and wait for each minute to pass. It was unbearable and I could not function in any manner.
I was put on drugs immediately. Plus an extra pill for the anxiety attacks that would calm me down immediately. See, I thought it would all happen again, that I'd have to go back into the hospital but not make it out this time. This is all so typical when we've survived such a trauma. It's been a little over a year now. I've had intense therapy, weaned myself off the drugs. Vacations, exercise, and good eating have helped me out enourmously. I knew the minute I walked out of the hospital that I would never become pg again. Infertilty treatments are now a walk in the park compared to having pree and having three babies die for me, I knew it wasn't in me. My dr. didn't believe me but I've made that decision. I saw him today one year later and he still couldn't believe it. We know I can get pg again but I won't. I am absolutely deathly afraid to be pg. again, I just can't do it. For me, it was an easy decision because we have always considered adoption. Now we see our girls as giving us many gifts in life, one being the joy of knowing them and having three angels kiss the top of my head from time to time, and the other has shown us our way to China to bring home a sister for them. Six months after their deaths, we started the adoption process and that has been another saving grace. I finally realized that I couldn't bring back my girls or change the outcome and that they would want me to be happy and a mommy. I came into that on my own time and I know it's different for everyone. You'll know what is right and when it is, you will just follow your heart. Will you ever be the same? No, I don't think so. I don't think we are ever the same. But I think it's ok. For me, the loss of my girls has been the most defining moment in my life. Everything is now "before the girls" and "after the girls" Will you ever forget your daughter, NEVER, you will carry her with you until the day you die. That's become pretty comforting to me. We are forever changed. We have climbed mountains to get pregnant, faced death, and pushed back down the mountain to start all over again except with holes in our hearts. Can we get back up and do it again in some way or another, absolutely. I do it for my girls so they won't have died in vain. I try to be the best person I can and try to make them proud everyday. No, you will never be exactly the same person you once were. I laugh at pictures of myself before we lost our girls and think how foolish I was then, how naive...didn't I know what was coming to me? I don't think I'm as naive, I know bad things can happen very quickly and the things you love the most can be taken from you. I also know good things still happen and if I had the choice of this never even happening to me, would I take it? Not in a million years. I am beginning to love this person who has faced so much in life, it has made me stronger, prouder, and more compassionate. Will your pain ever go away, I've been told no, it doesn't, we only learn how to manage it better.
I'm so sorry to have gone on and on. People start to not want to hear about it anymore so when I read your story, it all came back to me and it feels good to share. They say the greiving never ends, there's never a finality to it, I believe that. I don't think I will ever be over grieving but I constantly look for peace and comfort in the little things in life. I hope you do that too.
If you ever want to email, please do so. Your story has touched my heart so deeply. g3lcjudy@yahoo.com
Lucy
Mommy to:
Joy Elizabeth 12-9-04
Madeline Grace 12-9-04
Anne Beatrice 12-9-04
Patienly awaiting for our baby girl in China!

[princess_ame]

I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced anything like that, but I have lost children...though not that far along. Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[josiah1112]

So sorry about your baby! It is so heartbreaking!

[sweetiesuzy]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Love,
Suz

[lorelei]

I am so sorry for you loss~

[lucy]

Denise, I am so sorry for your loss even though I know how insuffient that sounds and wish I never had a reason to say it. I sadly welcome you to the board one we wish there was no need for. Please know we are here so if you ever need to talk or just want someone to listen..

[rosemary]

Denise,

I am so sorry for what you have been though. Losing a child is the worst pain that I have ever experienced. If there is something worse, I can't imagine what it is. My situation was very much like yours. I was 20 weeks when PE/HELLP hit me like a freight train. My first symptoms were blurred vision and massive confusion. On 8.28.04 after a brief visit to our local hospital's ER, I was lifeflighted to a woman's hospital 100 miles from home. By the time I arrived, I was in grave condition. My liver and kidneys had shutdown, my brain was swelling and my platlets were dangerously low. As you and many others, I was put on mag-sulfate - which as you said was horrible. There is very little of the 20 hours that I recall prior to my delivery. My son did not survive either.

Like you, I went through a horrible time after my loss. People didn't know what to say to me, I didn't know what to say to them. I found myself seriously withdrawing from everyone in my life, especially my family. I suppose part of it was the fact that I didn't know how to deal with all of it. I had enormous guilt - feeling that I shouldn't have survived if my child didn't. I felt like I chose my life over his - when in reality, that wasn't the case. I had terrible nightmares - I would wake up screaming at the top of my lungs and sobbing.

What you have been through is so incredibly traumatic. With trauma sometimes comes post-traumatic-stress-syndrome. Pile that on top of incredible grief, it can be suffocating. It took me months to acknowledge what happened to me and how horrendous it really was. Loss changes us. It changes what was and what should have been. We don't get over our loss, we simply get through it the best that we can. Please take the very best care of yourself that you can, and allow others to help if you are comfortable with that. Right after my loss, people would tell me that "time heals", I kind of scoffed at them. Now a year and 4 months later, I know that it does. I will miss my little guy for the rest of my life, and I think of him daily. But I am now able to cope with my loss and have happiness in my heart. I wish you peace and love.

Sincerely,