Has anyone else gone through this?

This section is for discussions with other women who have probably been through the same signs/symptoms that you may be experiencing. Please note, we cannot offer medical advice and encourage members to discuss their concerns with their doctors. New members, come on in and introduce yourself!
skl
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Re: Has anyone else gone through this?

Postby skl » Sun Dec 26, 2010 01:55 pm

I've got two small kids, and am expecting twins, and I think that once you have explored / resolved any medical issues that might be coming in to play, therapy / happy pills are GREAT OPTIONS ... as is carving out regular ME-TIME and DATE-TIME.

I know it sounds really corny -- and I'd like to point out I'm an atheist holding advanced degrees living in a major liberal metropolitan city -- but I can not begin to tell you how much ME-TIME and Date Nights help you get over disconnecting from your partner in the wake of kids / traumatic deliveries ... all of it. You have to find you again before you can find him -- but you guys also have to prioritize the health of your own relationship over that of your 24/7 connection to your kid(s) if you are going to be strong partners / lovers. I know it's really tough to prioritize your husband, when he can feed / clothe / clean himself, and your kid can't, but the fact is, most guys I know, no matter how hands on they are with the kids, are SHOCKED at how marginalized they become when kids come. It makes me nuts having to carve out individual time for mine, who is a great dad, and a great husband, when at the end of the day all I want to do is lie down with a magazine and pass out.

But the fact is, when we do it, when we find time for ourselves and also commit to regular Date Nights, we are stronger together and our sex life improves. And in dry times, Date Night even acts as a decent substitute -- for instance, I'm 31 weeks pregnant with twins, and twin pregnancy has kicked my *. With my previous pregnancies, I was totally ready to jump my husbands every minute of the day from about 14 - 25 weeks. This time, I haven't let him near me since 14 weeks ... and before that, I felt too crappy to let him touch me, either. So, aside from a few times around 14 weeks, he hasn't gotten laid since June. I feel for the guy ... and if we weren't working on every other aspect of our connection through this, we'd be in real trouble. (I'm now on bedrest, he is carrying EVERYTHING: work, house, two kids under 4, and the stress of his ball of hormonal nutty pregnant wife losing it on a consistent basis.)

Even if you can't afford a sitter, once a week, when your kid falls asleep, turn on some music, sit on the couch, share a dessert, and just talk to each other. If you can get a sitter, go to dinner. Go bowling. See a movie. Hit the mall and go window-shopping. Do ANYTHING together. Our thing lately, since we're so exhausted (and before I was on bedrest) was to get a sitter for "* hour" -- hire her at 530 to come to dinner and bedtime, while we went out for "happy hour" specials at local restaurants. We'd be home by 730 (our kids bedtime) but if their light was still on we'd literally sit in the driveway listening to the radio until it went out -- and then we'd go inside, free of kid-responsibility, preserving that little window of "us against the world" until morning.

Good luck! It's tough ... but once you get the wheels turning again, they turn faster and faster, really.

Best
Sarah

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jean
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Re: Has anyone else gone through this?

Postby jean » Wed Dec 22, 2010 03:21 pm

I can TOTALLY relate to this. And now my hubby and I are TTC again and it's really hard...we're having some real issues while trying..it def. feels more like "trying for a baby" and not like "making love"...it's like a chore, and it's wearing on us both. :(
Our first son was born and passed in Feb of 2010. Born at 29 weeks due to HELLP and passed due to NEC. We miss him every day. :~(

Our second son was born at 39 weeks gestation in Nov of 2011. No HELLP or pre-e! Took LDA starting at week 12 and went off of it at week 38!

http://findingtherainbowconnection.blogspot.com/

kelly w
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Re: Has anyone else gone through this?

Postby kelly w » Sun Dec 19, 2010 08:16 am

PE is hard on marriages, I know from experience [my husband left me and our kids and the stress around my PE pregnancies was a factor in my opinion].

Seeing an endocrinologist is a very good idea - about 1 in 9 women have thyroid issues post partum and that would lead to disinterest in sex, depression, and other things that could be contributing to the issues in your marriage. It is easy to treat, so that is a great place to start.

If the endocrinologist finds that everything is OK, then I think the suggestion to see a therapist is a very good one. [In fact, I think you might benefit from seeing a therapist to talk things out regardless of whether you have thyroid issues or not! :) ]. A good therapist can be a HUGE help in working through the trauma you have survived.

Good luck to you,

Kelly
Single Mother to Six Little Monkeys

tree
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Re: Has anyone else gone through this?

Postby tree » Sat Dec 18, 2010 05:30 pm

I should have said this in my post above- but I needed to find time for just me. But I felt guilty if every moment was not spent on my daughter or husband or work and after going through HELLP it was overwhelming to me. It's not that I didn't want to be with my daughter or husband all the time, but I needed to find things I was passionate again about. I joined a mom group, a book club, I started to exercise again and we had moved so I needed to make some new friends in the area we moved to. Plus some of my older friends had no understanding of what I went through and could not relate to me any more. The exercising I actually would do with my daughter but it made me feel healthier and in charge of my body. The other things were a few nights out of the month where I could just be me and not just a mom, wife, employee. Those few hours a month helped me gain a lot of perspective about life and I started enjoying my life a lot more- including my family. Some of this I think is normal 1st time mommy stuff (because usually the mom takes on the larger role with the kids) but then I think the HELLP/PE stuff just adds on top of it to add extra pressure and a bigger sense of being overwhelmed. I was nervous at the beginning of this pregnancy that somehow I would end up back in the same place- but this time I talked more openly about it with the people in my life- including my husband and they have been understanding.

Be patient and fight through it- it gets better on the otherside

I am just quoting this for emphasis and agreement. I was really resistant to spending time on myself for the first year, and that meant I avoided exercise, counseling, etc. because I felt like I needed to be with my daughter during all non-work hours. I am a much better mother, wife, and person after taking the time to start getting back in shape and doing a few me-time things. That has been a big part of things starting to get better this year.
Daughter born April 2009 at 35 weeks due to Class 1 HELLP

jenmatt1
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Re: Has anyone else gone through this?

Postby jenmatt1 » Sat Dec 18, 2010 10:16 am

I should have said this in my post above- but I needed to find time for just me. But I felt guilty if every moment was not spent on my daughter or husband or work and after going through HELLP it was overwhelming to me. It's not that I didn't want to be with my daughter or husband all the time, but I needed to find things I was passionate again about. I joined a mom group, a book club, I started to exercise again and we had moved so I needed to make some new friends in the area we moved to. Plus some of my older friends had no understanding of what I went through and could not relate to me any more. The exercising I actually would do with my daughter but it made me feel healthier and in charge of my body. The other things were a few nights out of the month where I could just be me and not just a mom, wife, employee. Those few hours a month helped me gain a lot of perspective about life and I started enjoying my life a lot more- including my family. Some of this I think is normal 1st time mommy stuff (because usually the mom takes on the larger role with the kids) but then I think the HELLP/PE stuff just adds on top of it to add extra pressure and a bigger sense of being overwhelmed. I was nervous at the beginning of this pregnancy that somehow I would end up back in the same place- but this time I talked more openly about it with the people in my life- including my husband and they have been understanding.

Be patient and fight through it- it gets better on the otherside
Mom to Olivia 4/4/2008 born at 34 1/2 weeks due to class I HELLP
Declan born 1/4/2011- no HELLP or PE- YEAH

runninlola
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Re: Has anyone else gone through this?

Postby runninlola » Fri Dec 17, 2010 11:15 pm

I had very little interest in sex for well over a year after my daughter was born. I once heard someone say that "men have sex to feel happy and women have sex when they ARE happy". There's a pretty significant difference there. Life after a storm, i.e. PE, HELLP, emergency deliveries, and premies, can take on a whole new meaning, everything seemed a little dull to me, my friends who before were some of the most interesting people just simply weren't that interesting anymore. I feel completely comfortable in saying that I experienced some pretty severe depression after the traumatic birth of my DD, so maybe that's why I felt like everything was a bit gray. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I never actually went on meds for it, but now I wish I had. I probably would have enjoyed the first year of my baby along with my husband much more. In the end, if an increased libido is something you miss, I don't think there should be anything wrong in actively going about getting it back, whether it's through therapy or meds. An important thing to point out is that our "appetite" does seem to decrease with time and with motherhood, I like to think of it much more as a decrease in quantity but an increase in quality. Either way, if this issue is bothering you in any way, go get some help. I had a friend who after months of a decreased libido finally went to an endocrinologist and she found out there were some pretty wacky things going on with her hormones. I hope you find your happy balance soon.

Cheers

tree
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Re: Has anyone else gone through this?

Postby tree » Fri Dec 17, 2010 08:46 pm

The short answer to your question is yes, and we haven't completely gotten this sorted out yet. Therapy was very helpful for me. I only went for 4-5 sessions, but it made a big difference. I also went on anti-depressants for a short time when I had a bunch of other stressful things going on. Processing HELLP took up all of the emotional bandwidth we had, and we are still working it out. Our situation is a little different than Jen's because my husband was here and did have to watch the whole thing. I felt like I was going through it alone because I thought I was just supposed to suck it up. My husband was terrified. So, I am still distant, and he still thinks I am fragile and sick. This has been rough. Sometimes we work on it, and I know we need to do a lot more if we are going to make it. We got used to ignoring it because we were in survival mode last year with a constantly sick kid and very slowly recovering Mom.
FWIW, I had full-blown HELLP, and my doctor was happy to put me back on the pill. Your situation might be different since you got sick much earlier, but it is probably worth a conversation with your doctor if being on the pill would help you. It does nothing for my libido, but knowing that I won't get pregnant is worth a lot in my world. I feel like I might be physically ready to be pregnant again, but we have agreed not to TTC until we work though the lingering emotional damage.
Daughter born April 2009 at 35 weeks due to Class 1 HELLP

jenmatt1
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Re: Has anyone else gone through this?

Postby jenmatt1 » Fri Dec 17, 2010 10:00 am

have you talked with a therapist? I struggled relating in many ways - not just sex- with my husband after the birth of my daughter. We were at point where we even talked about separating- even though we had been together for 15 years. And it wasn't because we didn't love each other anymore- we were just struggling- actually I was struggling and he couldn't understand that. A lot of it had to do with me- not him because I felt like I had lost a big part of myself somewhere along the way. My daughter is 2 1/2 and it took me until about a year ago to find my own voice again. At first I struggled with everything that happened during the birth and I hated my husband and partially blamed him because we were in process of moving to another state for his job and he wasn't there for the birht. I had to go through HELLP and birth on my own. Then I felt very protective of my daughter and could not bear not being with her all the time- that doesn't help the intimacy thing. I was so afraid something would happen to her. And lastly, I felt like I lost a huge part of myself during all of it. Since all my focus was on my daughter and work, I didn't have time to find myself again. I went and talked with a therapist and it helped. I started feeling more like myself again, which made me feel better about myself and it naturally helped the way my husband looked at me and me at him. The sex has become increasingly better- (until just the last month or so - because I am 36 weeks pregnant and just so tired and uncomfortable- but even now the intimacy is still important).
Mom to Olivia 4/4/2008 born at 34 1/2 weeks due to class I HELLP
Declan born 1/4/2011- no HELLP or PE- YEAH

Preemiemommy07
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Has anyone else gone through this?

Postby Preemiemommy07 » Fri Dec 17, 2010 09:40 am

Hello! My daughter was born at 29 wks & 3 day due to undiagonsed PE and HELLP Syndrome. Its now been 3 1/2 yrs and I am happy to say she is healthy & happy. Unlike her mommy. Shortly after her birth I started to become uninterested in sex with my husband. Don't get me wrong but I love my husband and think he is sexy and would love to be with him w/my whole being but just can't. I been to both my OBGYN & regular doctor and they both say its me & I need help or I could go the route of going on pills. From what I have read and spoke to other mom's that had PE & HELLP before that would not be a good route to do because I could have some underlying issues. The last thing I want to do is put my health at risk. So I have decided to go see a Endergologist (sorry about my spelling) and hope maybe she has some answers and solutions for me.

I am just wondering if any of you ladies out there have had the same issues. if you have what did they do for you?


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